Fic post: Campfire Embers
Aug. 23rd, 2008 10:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rainsometimesPosting a request fic, my first one ever that wasn't first posted on an anonymous thread! Beta'ed by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tonko_ni, as is usually the case for she is wonderful beyond measure. Any remaining errors are of course my own fault. On that note, concrit is always nice to get.^_^
Title: Campfire Embers
Setting/spoilers: Takes place in what is currently (August 2008) the near future of One Piece: as such, contains speculation soon to be contradicted by the manga, or so I assume (that is, I’m sure it will be contradicted but I’m not sure how soon, of course). Includes spoilers for chapter 501 and assumes the reader has read up until then.
Rating: G. Or possibly faintly PG for some swearing.
Summary: In reply to a request made byscribe_protra: “Ace/Usopp (can just be interaction doesn't have to be shippy) with prompt of phoenix” (GREAT prompt, imo).
Pairing: None (Didn’t manage shippiness)
The Strawhat Pirates weren’t the ones to come through for Portgas D. Ace when he most needed help, but then again they hadn’t known about it until it was too late - or would have been too late. It was Ace’s own crewmates who managed to reach him only just in time and snatch him away from the clutches of the World Government and its executioners. Then all hell had broken loose.
The battle had raged for days and broke up into many smaller skirmishes. During one of them the weakened, wounded Ace once again fell into enemy hands – a small but elite expeditionary Marine troop – and shortly after that it just happened to be his brother and his crew who found their path blocked by the same Marines. After winning that fight, finding Ace captive in the hold had been an unexpected surprise - a bit of a shock, but also a relief since they’d only just been informed of what was going on. Later, freed from his shackles, Ace had somehow mustered enough strength to bring down six or seven enemy ships on their tail, before finally passing out.
At present, half the crew were crossing this small island by foot, trying to reach the hidden natural harbour on the other side, where the Sunny would hopefully still be anchored. The other half – Robin, Brook, Luffy and Zoro - were still engaging the enemy at the Marine outpost by the shore, trying to buy the rest of them time while they brought round the ship for a getaway.
This was a hard, arid, barren landscape, with plenty of black rocks and steep hills but few trees and animals around. They neither saw nor heard many birds and could find very little fresh water. It seemed to be the kind of landscape that happen when there’d been goats around for a few hundred years nibbling everything away until even they had nothing left to eat any more. The few scruffy tufts of grass here and there and the tiny, creeping bushes were terribly dry.
It shouldn’t have been Usopp there, left by the campfire alone with the sleeping Ace. It should have been Chopper. But Sanji had grabbed Chopper and set off with him a little while ago towards a small ravine, needing his strength in Heavy Point and perhaps his other abilities for some scheme of his to derail the enemy. And Franky and Nami had ran off in the other direction after a very short pause to rest and eat, partly to scout ahead but mostly also looking to set a trap for the Marines.
Nami had wanted to take both of them with her, in fact, but someone had to stay with Ace and what with Usopp’s having been shot in the ankle earlier it had ended up being him. The shielded hillside place where they’d set up camp offered pretty good opportunities for sniping, too, if it should come to that.
Usopp had been keeping guard pretty closely, but so far no enemies were in sight. He was stirring the embers carefully when a weak voice from the other side of the fireplace reached him.
“Hey…” mumbled Ace, his head stirring just slightly.
Usopp had thought he was still asleep. He cast him a worried look. “Yes?” he said cautiously, not wishing to encourage any long conversations with someone who needed all the rest he could get.
“That attack you did, before…” said Ace slowly, raising his head a bit more to look at Usopp, his lips cracked and dry. The word ‘charred’ came into Usopp’s head as he listened, possibly just because he knew Ace’s devil fruit power. But surely Ace would be the last person in the world to get charred by anything... “You called it ‘Firebird Star’…” Ace continued, looking over at Usopp and then at Kabuto, lying on the ground right nearby.
It was ‘Firebird’ when his ordinary self launched it, but ‘Phoenix’ when he had the mask on. Not that it made any difference in practice. “Yes?” he mumbled, rifling through his bag in search of a flask of water that should be in there somewhere. The first time he’d used that attack rose in his memory unbidden – the roof of the tower, the abyss underneath them, Robin’s anguished voice, the World Government’s flag – and a sense of not quite being himself, being partly someone else, someone who wouldn’t allow him to act scared…
Ace’s head fell back but his voice, when it next rose, didn’t sound pained and panting any more. It had an oddly detached tone, half-formal and half-dreamy.
“…The phoenix or firebird, they say, is a creature of myth and fantasy,” he mumbled. Usopp blinked and gave him a startled look. Ace was suddenly talking kinda like a book, and he didn’t seem the type to do that, no matter how polite he was. Not that Usopp really knew.
Ace kept looking up into the pale blue sky, a distant smile on his face. “A creature that’s supposed to have great wisdom and magical abilities,” he went on, “like powers of healing, for instance… Skill with fire, of course. But it’s mostly… mostly known for being immortal.” He started to cough - great, dry, racking coughs that made Usopp wince, hearing them.
“What the hell are you talking about?” he asked, squatting down beside Ace. “Here, have some water.” He held out the flask he’d finally found deep within the recesses of his bag. It really was water and not paraffin or some other handy flammable liquid – he’d just tasted some himself in order to be completely sure. Not that the other stuff would have hurt Ace, he supposed, but maybe there’d be explosions and stuff and in any case he doubted Chopper would approve.
“…Some say drinking its blood makes you immortal, too…. in any case…when the Phoenix feels that its time has come…” Ace continued, his voice weaker than before. Usopp bit his lip in worry.
“Maybe you should just rest and sleep for now,” he tried to suggest, but Ace just waved this away without lifting his head.
“…it sets a fire with its powers…and lets itself burn to death,” he continued slowly, pacing himself better now. He didn’t start coughing again, at least. “And that’s the only way it dies… nothing else… and it doesn’t really die, even so. For then a small worm crawls out of the ash, and that’s the Phoenix. Then it’s all young again.”
He paused, closing his eyes. Usopp looked down on the young man lying there, who was still pretty much a mystery to him. He was Whitebeard’s second captain who had turned up in Alabasta in just the right time to save them from Smoker and a whole bunch of Marines; he’d been friendly and polite and very casually dressed, who had very firmly expressed his resolve to chase after Blackbeard and help make Whitebeard the Pirate King. He’d seemed fierce and strong and impressive – and beautiful, in the way of something you knew you’d never get to touch, maybe not even want to touch, but be content to admire like you’d admire a piece of art. And he was Luffy’s big brother.
Usopp swallowed, feeling an uncomfortable lump of guilt in his stomach as he looked down at his own hands - they were lightly trembling, now - instead of at the wounded man right next to him. It wasn’t so strange, he supposed – after all, he couldn’t really say he actually knew Ace at all. But he still felt bad knowing that it wasn’t so much Ace in himself he was worried about, now: it was more what losing Ace might do to his captain. Man, Usopp didn’t even want to begin to imagine that. He bit his lower lip and shook his head several times. Won’t happen, won’t happen, won’t happen… he said silently, as if reciting a spell or a prayer.
“And I wonder,” said Ace now, very quietly. Usopp turned his head and saw Ace looking him right in the eye. “Mr. Sniper,” continued Ace, and Usopp wasn’t sure if Ace was gently mocking him or just being formal and polite – or if he simply hadn’t learned his name yet. “I wonder why you came to call that attack of yours after that legend.”
Usopp only shrugged. He tilted some more of the water flask into Ace’s mouth. “I guess I just thought it sounded cool,” he said quietly.
Ace gave him an unreadable look in dark eyes that should be smug and sparkling and teasing, not quiet, inward-looking and, well, wise. He was far too similar to Luffy, that was the trouble. You found it hard not to imagine Luffy looking like that, all wounded and wise and knowing – and that thought felt way too heavy and cold. Tons-of-lead-on-your-ribcage-heavy, and steel-blade-into-your-stomach-cold. That sort of thing.
Then Ace leaned back again, looking upward, where great castles of sky were floating by.
“You know,” mumbled Ace after minutes had passed by in peaceful silence, “some say it doesn’t happen like that. That it’s not a worm… but an egg. And it won’t hatch unless… unless you put it in a new fire.”
“I hadn’t heard that one,” said Usopp.
“Less popular,” said Ace after clearing his throat. “’Cause the problem is… problem is, that means the phoenix would need someone else there to help it. Maybe worshippers. Maybe friends.”
“Oh,” said Usopp, stirring the embers again, then leaning forward to help encourage the small hot glow with some tinder. “I see.”
Ace opened one eye and smiled – grinned – no, smiled at him, because it wasn’t quite wide enough to be a grin, notwithstanding the glint in Ace’s eye.
“Which one do you think is true, Mr. Sniper?” he whispered, in a voice that was tired but soft, even gentle.
Some of the embers flared up in a tiny fire. Usopp moved to hold his hands around it, protecting it from the faint breeze. “I guess…” he said slowly, then cleared his throat and glanced over at Ace. “You can call me Usopp, you know,” he said. “Or ‘Captain Usopp’ is always good. But, well…” He thought it over.
“It seems nicer to say that the egg one is true,” he said. “But the worm one is maybe stronger…? But, you know, if the phoenix only lives in stories… then whatever version is best for the story should be true.”
Ace began to chuckle, first in a low, steady way, then it turned into a wheezing laugh. “Good answer,” he mumbled. “Safe, maybe… but good, too. You know you’re a pretty smart kid, Captain Usopp.”
Usopp straightened, just a bit. “I know,” he said calmly, nodding simply. Half a dozen entertaining lies lay trembling on the tip of his tongue, but he let them be, though he doubted Ace would mind hearing them. Hell, they might even make him laugh a bit, but somehow he didn’t feel like saying them right now. Another time.
“…I’m glad Luffy didn’t come rescue me,” mumbled Ace, after a few more moments had passed. “If he had, I’d never trust him again.”
“You guys are one weird-ass family,” muttered Usopp, poking the fire. “And I think he would have,” he added, looking at Ace again, “if he wasn’t so convinced nobody could really hurt his big brother.” And if they’d known earlier that there was an actual execution announced. Or so Usopp preferred to think, at least.
Ace raised his eyebrows, looking surprised. “Is that what you think, Mr. Sniper? He still thinks I’m stronger than him?”
Usopp shrugged, feeling uncomfortable again. “Sure seems like it,” he mumbled.
He remembered very well the look on Luffy’s face as he’d been holding that tiny little piece of paper in his hand, once they’d learned how Vivrecards worked. The inexplicably slowly burning piece of paper which meant Ace’s life force had been slowly ebbing. But Luffy had smiled in that overly bright way he had sometimes when it was hard to reach him, as he’d told the others that if they went to save Ace, he’d just get mad at them. No need for a detour. His big brother could handle things.
Ace let out a short, barking laugh. “Let’s hope he keeps thinking that, then…” he said, voice dry and brittle once more. Usopp picked up the water flask and found it was nearly empty.
“He’s still the one who’s going to be Pirate King, mind you,” he said a bit gruffly as he poured the last few drops into Ace’s throat, holding up his head with care.
“Well, we’ll see about that,” mumbled Ace in a heavy, drowsy, and somehow rather satisfied voice. Then he was asleep. Usopp lowered the older pirate’s head very gently to the ground, then covered him up with a blanket, even though it was probably completely unnecessary. But a blanket just seemed more right to him.
He looked at the tiny, flickering fire, and in his mind two great golden firebirds – one hatched with the help of others, the other always proudly self-sufficient – were facing one another, bowing and dancing and sparring. Fighting over which one of them was the true one, even though they were both just pretty lies.
‘If you save me, I’ll never forgive you,’ one of them seemed to murmur, ‘just try to kill me if you can’. The other bird sang back gently, ‘I know I can’t live without help from other people,’ but also, ‘I’ll take care of everyone’.
It was all very confusing, and started to give him a headache. So he was pretty happy to see Nami and Franky run down towards the campsite from the top of the hill, even though it meant they had to pack up everything and throw Ace over one shoulder - that was Franky, of course- and scramble away in the direction where the Sunny should be. They had to stamp out the fire first, though, or they might start something huge they couldn’t control on that rocky, dry island.
But that was all right. They could always light another.
tonko_ni, as is usually the case for she is wonderful beyond measure. Any remaining errors are of course my own fault. On that note, concrit is always nice to get.^_^Title: Campfire Embers
Setting/spoilers: Takes place in what is currently (August 2008) the near future of One Piece: as such, contains speculation soon to be contradicted by the manga, or so I assume (that is, I’m sure it will be contradicted but I’m not sure how soon, of course). Includes spoilers for chapter 501 and assumes the reader has read up until then.
Rating: G. Or possibly faintly PG for some swearing.
Summary: In reply to a request made by
scribe_protra: “Ace/Usopp (can just be interaction doesn't have to be shippy) with prompt of phoenix” (GREAT prompt, imo).Pairing: None (Didn’t manage shippiness)
The Strawhat Pirates weren’t the ones to come through for Portgas D. Ace when he most needed help, but then again they hadn’t known about it until it was too late - or would have been too late. It was Ace’s own crewmates who managed to reach him only just in time and snatch him away from the clutches of the World Government and its executioners. Then all hell had broken loose.
The battle had raged for days and broke up into many smaller skirmishes. During one of them the weakened, wounded Ace once again fell into enemy hands – a small but elite expeditionary Marine troop – and shortly after that it just happened to be his brother and his crew who found their path blocked by the same Marines. After winning that fight, finding Ace captive in the hold had been an unexpected surprise - a bit of a shock, but also a relief since they’d only just been informed of what was going on. Later, freed from his shackles, Ace had somehow mustered enough strength to bring down six or seven enemy ships on their tail, before finally passing out.
At present, half the crew were crossing this small island by foot, trying to reach the hidden natural harbour on the other side, where the Sunny would hopefully still be anchored. The other half – Robin, Brook, Luffy and Zoro - were still engaging the enemy at the Marine outpost by the shore, trying to buy the rest of them time while they brought round the ship for a getaway.
This was a hard, arid, barren landscape, with plenty of black rocks and steep hills but few trees and animals around. They neither saw nor heard many birds and could find very little fresh water. It seemed to be the kind of landscape that happen when there’d been goats around for a few hundred years nibbling everything away until even they had nothing left to eat any more. The few scruffy tufts of grass here and there and the tiny, creeping bushes were terribly dry.
It shouldn’t have been Usopp there, left by the campfire alone with the sleeping Ace. It should have been Chopper. But Sanji had grabbed Chopper and set off with him a little while ago towards a small ravine, needing his strength in Heavy Point and perhaps his other abilities for some scheme of his to derail the enemy. And Franky and Nami had ran off in the other direction after a very short pause to rest and eat, partly to scout ahead but mostly also looking to set a trap for the Marines.
Nami had wanted to take both of them with her, in fact, but someone had to stay with Ace and what with Usopp’s having been shot in the ankle earlier it had ended up being him. The shielded hillside place where they’d set up camp offered pretty good opportunities for sniping, too, if it should come to that.
Usopp had been keeping guard pretty closely, but so far no enemies were in sight. He was stirring the embers carefully when a weak voice from the other side of the fireplace reached him.
“Hey…” mumbled Ace, his head stirring just slightly.
Usopp had thought he was still asleep. He cast him a worried look. “Yes?” he said cautiously, not wishing to encourage any long conversations with someone who needed all the rest he could get.
“That attack you did, before…” said Ace slowly, raising his head a bit more to look at Usopp, his lips cracked and dry. The word ‘charred’ came into Usopp’s head as he listened, possibly just because he knew Ace’s devil fruit power. But surely Ace would be the last person in the world to get charred by anything... “You called it ‘Firebird Star’…” Ace continued, looking over at Usopp and then at Kabuto, lying on the ground right nearby.
It was ‘Firebird’ when his ordinary self launched it, but ‘Phoenix’ when he had the mask on. Not that it made any difference in practice. “Yes?” he mumbled, rifling through his bag in search of a flask of water that should be in there somewhere. The first time he’d used that attack rose in his memory unbidden – the roof of the tower, the abyss underneath them, Robin’s anguished voice, the World Government’s flag – and a sense of not quite being himself, being partly someone else, someone who wouldn’t allow him to act scared…
Ace’s head fell back but his voice, when it next rose, didn’t sound pained and panting any more. It had an oddly detached tone, half-formal and half-dreamy.
“…The phoenix or firebird, they say, is a creature of myth and fantasy,” he mumbled. Usopp blinked and gave him a startled look. Ace was suddenly talking kinda like a book, and he didn’t seem the type to do that, no matter how polite he was. Not that Usopp really knew.
Ace kept looking up into the pale blue sky, a distant smile on his face. “A creature that’s supposed to have great wisdom and magical abilities,” he went on, “like powers of healing, for instance… Skill with fire, of course. But it’s mostly… mostly known for being immortal.” He started to cough - great, dry, racking coughs that made Usopp wince, hearing them.
“What the hell are you talking about?” he asked, squatting down beside Ace. “Here, have some water.” He held out the flask he’d finally found deep within the recesses of his bag. It really was water and not paraffin or some other handy flammable liquid – he’d just tasted some himself in order to be completely sure. Not that the other stuff would have hurt Ace, he supposed, but maybe there’d be explosions and stuff and in any case he doubted Chopper would approve.
“…Some say drinking its blood makes you immortal, too…. in any case…when the Phoenix feels that its time has come…” Ace continued, his voice weaker than before. Usopp bit his lip in worry.
“Maybe you should just rest and sleep for now,” he tried to suggest, but Ace just waved this away without lifting his head.
“…it sets a fire with its powers…and lets itself burn to death,” he continued slowly, pacing himself better now. He didn’t start coughing again, at least. “And that’s the only way it dies… nothing else… and it doesn’t really die, even so. For then a small worm crawls out of the ash, and that’s the Phoenix. Then it’s all young again.”
He paused, closing his eyes. Usopp looked down on the young man lying there, who was still pretty much a mystery to him. He was Whitebeard’s second captain who had turned up in Alabasta in just the right time to save them from Smoker and a whole bunch of Marines; he’d been friendly and polite and very casually dressed, who had very firmly expressed his resolve to chase after Blackbeard and help make Whitebeard the Pirate King. He’d seemed fierce and strong and impressive – and beautiful, in the way of something you knew you’d never get to touch, maybe not even want to touch, but be content to admire like you’d admire a piece of art. And he was Luffy’s big brother.
Usopp swallowed, feeling an uncomfortable lump of guilt in his stomach as he looked down at his own hands - they were lightly trembling, now - instead of at the wounded man right next to him. It wasn’t so strange, he supposed – after all, he couldn’t really say he actually knew Ace at all. But he still felt bad knowing that it wasn’t so much Ace in himself he was worried about, now: it was more what losing Ace might do to his captain. Man, Usopp didn’t even want to begin to imagine that. He bit his lower lip and shook his head several times. Won’t happen, won’t happen, won’t happen… he said silently, as if reciting a spell or a prayer.
“And I wonder,” said Ace now, very quietly. Usopp turned his head and saw Ace looking him right in the eye. “Mr. Sniper,” continued Ace, and Usopp wasn’t sure if Ace was gently mocking him or just being formal and polite – or if he simply hadn’t learned his name yet. “I wonder why you came to call that attack of yours after that legend.”
Usopp only shrugged. He tilted some more of the water flask into Ace’s mouth. “I guess I just thought it sounded cool,” he said quietly.
Ace gave him an unreadable look in dark eyes that should be smug and sparkling and teasing, not quiet, inward-looking and, well, wise. He was far too similar to Luffy, that was the trouble. You found it hard not to imagine Luffy looking like that, all wounded and wise and knowing – and that thought felt way too heavy and cold. Tons-of-lead-on-your-ribcage-heavy, and steel-blade-into-your-stomach-cold. That sort of thing.
Then Ace leaned back again, looking upward, where great castles of sky were floating by.
“You know,” mumbled Ace after minutes had passed by in peaceful silence, “some say it doesn’t happen like that. That it’s not a worm… but an egg. And it won’t hatch unless… unless you put it in a new fire.”
“I hadn’t heard that one,” said Usopp.
“Less popular,” said Ace after clearing his throat. “’Cause the problem is… problem is, that means the phoenix would need someone else there to help it. Maybe worshippers. Maybe friends.”
“Oh,” said Usopp, stirring the embers again, then leaning forward to help encourage the small hot glow with some tinder. “I see.”
Ace opened one eye and smiled – grinned – no, smiled at him, because it wasn’t quite wide enough to be a grin, notwithstanding the glint in Ace’s eye.
“Which one do you think is true, Mr. Sniper?” he whispered, in a voice that was tired but soft, even gentle.
Some of the embers flared up in a tiny fire. Usopp moved to hold his hands around it, protecting it from the faint breeze. “I guess…” he said slowly, then cleared his throat and glanced over at Ace. “You can call me Usopp, you know,” he said. “Or ‘Captain Usopp’ is always good. But, well…” He thought it over.
“It seems nicer to say that the egg one is true,” he said. “But the worm one is maybe stronger…? But, you know, if the phoenix only lives in stories… then whatever version is best for the story should be true.”
Ace began to chuckle, first in a low, steady way, then it turned into a wheezing laugh. “Good answer,” he mumbled. “Safe, maybe… but good, too. You know you’re a pretty smart kid, Captain Usopp.”
Usopp straightened, just a bit. “I know,” he said calmly, nodding simply. Half a dozen entertaining lies lay trembling on the tip of his tongue, but he let them be, though he doubted Ace would mind hearing them. Hell, they might even make him laugh a bit, but somehow he didn’t feel like saying them right now. Another time.
“…I’m glad Luffy didn’t come rescue me,” mumbled Ace, after a few more moments had passed. “If he had, I’d never trust him again.”
“You guys are one weird-ass family,” muttered Usopp, poking the fire. “And I think he would have,” he added, looking at Ace again, “if he wasn’t so convinced nobody could really hurt his big brother.” And if they’d known earlier that there was an actual execution announced. Or so Usopp preferred to think, at least.
Ace raised his eyebrows, looking surprised. “Is that what you think, Mr. Sniper? He still thinks I’m stronger than him?”
Usopp shrugged, feeling uncomfortable again. “Sure seems like it,” he mumbled.
He remembered very well the look on Luffy’s face as he’d been holding that tiny little piece of paper in his hand, once they’d learned how Vivrecards worked. The inexplicably slowly burning piece of paper which meant Ace’s life force had been slowly ebbing. But Luffy had smiled in that overly bright way he had sometimes when it was hard to reach him, as he’d told the others that if they went to save Ace, he’d just get mad at them. No need for a detour. His big brother could handle things.
Ace let out a short, barking laugh. “Let’s hope he keeps thinking that, then…” he said, voice dry and brittle once more. Usopp picked up the water flask and found it was nearly empty.
“He’s still the one who’s going to be Pirate King, mind you,” he said a bit gruffly as he poured the last few drops into Ace’s throat, holding up his head with care.
“Well, we’ll see about that,” mumbled Ace in a heavy, drowsy, and somehow rather satisfied voice. Then he was asleep. Usopp lowered the older pirate’s head very gently to the ground, then covered him up with a blanket, even though it was probably completely unnecessary. But a blanket just seemed more right to him.
He looked at the tiny, flickering fire, and in his mind two great golden firebirds – one hatched with the help of others, the other always proudly self-sufficient – were facing one another, bowing and dancing and sparring. Fighting over which one of them was the true one, even though they were both just pretty lies.
‘If you save me, I’ll never forgive you,’ one of them seemed to murmur, ‘just try to kill me if you can’. The other bird sang back gently, ‘I know I can’t live without help from other people,’ but also, ‘I’ll take care of everyone’.
It was all very confusing, and started to give him a headache. So he was pretty happy to see Nami and Franky run down towards the campsite from the top of the hill, even though it meant they had to pack up everything and throw Ace over one shoulder - that was Franky, of course- and scramble away in the direction where the Sunny should be. They had to stamp out the fire first, though, or they might start something huge they couldn’t control on that rocky, dry island.
But that was all right. They could always light another.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-08-23 11:03 pm (UTC)Would you mind a little constructive criticism though?
no subject
Date: 2008-08-24 10:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-25 01:16 am (UTC)“…The phoenix or firebird is a mythical beast that has probably only ever existed in fantasies,” Ace said, looking up into the pale blue sky. He sounded a bit as if he was reciting something from memory. “It is said to possess great wisdom and magical abilities such as healing powers. Of course, it has great skill with fire. However, it is most known for its immortality.”
It reads more like something that was copy/pasted from an online Wiki rather than like something Ace would actually say. I know it was stated that it sounded like he was reciting something from memory, but it just feels really off. It kind of throws me out of the story, if you know what I mean.
Things like 'The phoenix or firebird', 'that has' instead of 'that's', and 'it is' instead of 'it's' just sound really awkward and not like something he would actually say. It just doesn't feel right to me, having Ace recite an encyclopedic entry like that.
However, this is purely my own personal opinion. YMMV. Other than that, though, I rather liked it. Keep up the good work!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-25 03:40 pm (UTC)Problem is, Ace is supposed to come off as rather impersonal and detached here, sort of 'off' from his normal self - in this particular moment, that is, not the entire fic. An uncommon mental state (for him) due to his wounds, which is meant to be disconcerting to Usopp even though he barely knows Ace. Maybe temporarily sounding like a book on mythology in the One Piece world that Ace might have leafed through, or perhaps like a One Piece scholar that he could have run into - not that Ace seems to be terribly academic, but he might well pay special attention to the phoenix myth.
But certainly I don't want him to sound like Wikipedia! (Which it's not from; I just wrote down what I know about the phoenix in a formal manner, not that it matters if that's the impression.) And even less do I want the reader to be thrown out of the story.
Hmm. This needs pondering.
But thanks for telling me! I like concrit not just because it helps me get better, but also because it tells me the reader respects me enough to expect me to listen and to take it well, and to rewrite stuff if I agree. Also, it tells me readers are paying attention! ;)
no subject
Date: 2008-09-06 10:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-06 11:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-06 01:04 pm (UTC)Thanks again for your feedback! ^_^