Fic post: Absence, part 3 (prev. 'Fine')
Apr. 11th, 2009 11:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rainsometimesTitle: Absence, Chapter 3 (prev. 'Fine')
Rating: PG (PG-13 in Chapter 1)
Pairing: None
Characters: All the Strawhats
Spoilers/setting: I think of this as taking place some time in the future, after the current arc (Impel Down). As such it contains speculation on future events.
Genre: Serious angst; deathfic
Summary: From a prompt on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
op_fanforall asking for angstfic in which Luffy has to deal with Usopp being dead.
Note: This updated version has been extensively betaed bytonko and wendytigges, to whom go all my thanks. Any remaining errors are solely my own fault. There's been quite a bit of rewriting on this one since it was first posted, unbetaed, on the anon thread. Concrit is highly encouraged!
Edit as of Feb. 2010: Title change.
Previous parts: Chapter One, Chapter Two
(Disclaimer: The characters and situationas of One Piece were created and are owned by Eiichiro Oda. They are used here without permission for entertainment purposes only. This fic is not used and may not be used for profit.)
“All right,” said Nami, lighting the lamp on the table before sitting down. She looked around at the crew, assembled around the table in the galley. “I guess I’d better start, now that everyone is here.”
“Uh. Just checking here,” said Franky, holding up one finger, “but Strawhat’s asleep right now, right? We don’t have to speak in code in case he barges in or anything like that?”
“He’s asleep, all right,” said Sanji tiredly. “There’s a reason I cooked that big octopus with that stuffing and all the sauces, and then served the cake for desert. Even Luffy’s going to take some time digesting that.”
“I used the sweetest lullabies I could think of, too, when I played for him just now,” Brook pointed out.
“That’s true,” said Nami, giving Brook an appreciative smile. At first she’d asked if he could use that “Lullaby Flan” move of his, the one that sent people to sleep immediately, but Brook had explained that the drawback of that move was that people often didn’t sleep very long. Using a softer kind of persuasion with suitable melodies was a slower method, but it tended to yield safer results in the end. According to Brook, anyway.
A light of realisation and mumbles of oh-I-see went around the table, among those in the crew who hadn’t been in on it from the start. Luffy wasn’t the only one who’d felt drowsy after that particularly heavy dinner, which had offered not only the freshly-caught octopus but also spare steaks from the freezer. But the extra-strong coffee that Sanji had just served everyone was helping chase the sleepiness away. Nami was glad she’d kept Chopper well away from Brook’s lullabies, else he’d probably be asleep too.
“He could still wake up,” she warned Franky and the others, “but I think we have a while. And maybe he’ll sleep until morning.” It was pretty late in the day, after all, the sun growing large and red outside.
It still felt very strange and wrong to go behind his back like this... But what other choice did they have? Whether the others would agree with her or not, they’d only be able to discuss the matter freely if Luffy wasn’t there.
“Okay,” she said now, clearing her throat and sitting up straighter. “So. I think… I think we can’t really go on like this. Like we’re doing now. I’m sorry, but… I don’t think we’re strong enough. And what I think we should do is… go back.”
“Go back to that place,” said Zoro in a flat tone that was neither agreeing nor disagreeing. His face was impassive and unreadable.
“Yeah. I think we left too quickly,” she said. “We weren’t thinking very clearly, all wounded and in shock, and the log pose had already set… But when you think about it, I doubt they’ve sent new troops there yet. Unless they already plan on trapping someone else that way… Even if they have, even if there’ll be the same amount of sea monsters, we know the ground now and can lay a battle plan in advance.”
*
Nami thinks she’s keeping herself together at the moment, that she’s presenting her usual sharp, collected self to her crewmates. She doesn’t notice the nervous, urgent undertone in her voice; the way she’s unable to keep still; her tiny, repetitive movements of fingers drumming on the table, legs rocking, shoulders twitching. Her hair is unkempt, her posture tense, and her clothes could do with a wash. There’s a glint in her eyes that’s close to feverish. Then again, most of the people in the room look even more tired than she does.
More and more, she feels on the move, in a hurry, unwilling to sit down in one place for long. Even at mealtimes she tries to finish quickly, though then at least her arms and hands are always moving. There are nightmares where she’s being followed by something that’s large and invisible that never grows tired: sometimes she almost feels like she can hear the footsteps of that nightmare beast in the day.
She’s tried and tried to work hard and keep doing what they always do and it’s not working. Now she has to do this. If she doesn’t, no-one else will.
On her head be it.
*
“Those guys back there… they used a whistle or somethin’ to lure the seakings there, didn’t they?” mumbled Franky now. “But we destroyed that. He did. I know. I was there and I saw it.” It had been a simple Gunpowder Star, but aimed perfectly: it had been enough to blow up the oddly shaped bone whistle and cause a nasty wound in the jaw of the Marine commander. Luffy had taken over, after that.
“They might have others,” said Nami. “But if we plan for it…”
“You can do that, Nami-baby?” said Sanji, leaning his elbow forward, his head propped up on his hand. “Sail through the Grand Line without a log pose or a Vivrecard?” He looked exhausted: there were lines under his eyes, his shoulders were drooping, and there was a greyish tint to his skin. Now he was staring intensely at Nami as if she held the one and only key to salvation there was in the world.
*
Sanji doesn’t know how long he has before he starts crumbling, unless something changes soon. He doesn’t sleep very much these days. When he does, there are times when he has happy dreams, even now – or rather, they’re dreams that are nice while they last but awful to wake up from: to realise they were only dreams.
More often, there’s the same recurring dream where he’s running through a dark city, one with immense towering houses, infinitely long, curving streets, and not one single person about. And Sanji is running, running very fast but with his head down, eyes fixed on the ground since he’s following a trail of blood, crimson and splotchy on the dark cobble stones.
But the trail just goes on and on through the endless streets and no matter how fast Sanji runs – and he runs so fast his chest is burning and he’s gasping for breath – he can never catch up.
Even that dream is better than waking up, though. At least in the dream he’s still running, still hoping. It’s in vain, but it’s something.
*
Trying not to flinch from that burning look, Nami nodded in reply to Sanji’s question. “We can do it. Not very easily or quickly, but we can, because the weather has been holding clear ever since then. Both day and night. So I’ve been able to carefully track our course in relation to the sun and to the constellations. As long as we can see the sun and the stars, we can get back there.”
“Wow, I had no idea you could do that, Nami!” exclaimed Chopper, his eyes grown large with amazement. “But – but what if it turns cloudy?”
“Then we’ll have no choice but to furl the sails until it clears,” she said. “Drop anchor if possible, or if there’s nothing to fasten it on, just stop pushing and hope we won’t be driven too far off course. It could take days to get back on course once it clears, but it’s the only way we could do it.” She looked around again at everyone. “It would be tough, you know, especially if we sleep in shifts and sail at night as much as possible. But the stars are easier to navigate by than the sun. Only, we’d all have to work hard and might not get much sleep.”
They nodded in understanding. They didn’t get all that much sleep these days, anyway. But Robin said gently, “Nami, perhaps you should go on to explain why you think it’s so important to get back. I know you’ve talked about this with some of us already, but we should all hear it together, I think.”
Brook coughed cautiously. “I thought it was about the poneglyphs,” he said. “To let Miss Robin read them. And also, the… the possibility that… there might be a burial.”
The air felt heavier, more silent. All eyes were fixed on Nami. She looked down on the table now, her fingers making small circles in the non-existent dust. “Yes,” she said hoarsely. “And more than that.” She cleared her throat. “You see, guys… and I know I’ve said this before, to most of you… but I’m not just imagining it! It’s really true that I never saw if he fell into the water or not. If he did and I knew it for sure, well, then there’d be nothing to do about it. It’s not like I think he could have… that he… you know. It was way too high up and the wound was way deep… it… it wouldn’t…” She closed her eyes and swallowed tightly, then clenched her fists and went on. “…I’d still want us to go back there, but now even more so. Because he might also have fallen on land. And… if he did, then we should make sure he gets buried properly. Or, or maybe we could make it a proper sea funeral instead, but… but we can’t just let him lie there. If he is.”
“But,” she goes on, opening her eyes and speaking into the silence, “those are not the only reasons. I think, if we went back there, it could force Luffy to remember.”
She paused. Nobody said anything except for a very soft “Ah” coming from Brook’s corner.
Nami looked away from their stark faces for a moment, down at the knuckles of her left hand. She picked at the tablecloth, then looked up again, despair in her voice when she next spoke.
“We’ve given him time enough… but he doesn’t seem to be able to break out from what he’s doing by himself, and nothing we do seems to work. He just won’t listen to us, no matter what! And this is the only thing I can think of.”
There was a long, thoughtful silence, finally broken by Robin.
“You know,” she said, “about the poneglyphs… I think we should consider the possibility that they wouldn’t be of much use at all, even to me. They could say something entirely pointless.”
Nami and Chopper frowned at her. “Didn’t you tell me once that if you read all the poneglyphs, put together they will reveal the truth about the true history?” said Nami, and Chopper nodded emphatically, for he’d heard her say that too.
“I said I thought so, that they might reveal it,” said Robin sharply, then sighed. “It’s nothing but a working hypothesis. If it were only me, that would be one thing – but it’s certainly not something I’m prepared to risk the lives of my comrades for.” Again, her tone said clearly, even though her words did not.
“Well, you can’t know if they’re useless either, without going there,” Zoro pointed out in an even tone. “Though… I’m not sure myself if going back is what we should do now. But I do know we have to do something.” He took a deep breath, then looked up, first at Nami, and then at all of them. “We can’t trust Luffy to make the right decisions for us right now,” he said in a low but very, very heavy voice. “Not when he’s in this state.”
“It’s not like I don’t think he can still fight,” he went on, speaking slowly but without hesitation. “We all saw that yesterday. But making the right decisions about who to fight and when, and what everyone should do? …I don’t think he’s able to do that, right now.”
The crew exchanged glances, unease about Zoro’s statements mingled with reluctant agreement on most faces. For some there was a certain small relief, too, that the first mate said this so they didn’t have to. And they all recalled yesterday’s skirmish very well.
**
“I’ll take care of it.” Luffy’s voice had sunk down to intense seriousness, his face all set, grim and dangerous as he stared fixedly at the enemy vessel moving towards them. Zoro, who had drawn his swords and moved up to the railing besides him, started a bit, glancing at him with surprise. It was the first time Luffy had looked anything close to serious since it happened.
“These guys don’t look all that dangerous to me,” said Zoro. The enemy pirates were arrogant enough, eager to raid for treasure and eliminate rivals, but their ship was small and their cannons were slow and not too well handled. Since they’d gotten this far, there were bound to be at least a few strong fighters on board. But Zoro doubted they were worth getting all intense about.
“Yeah, gotta agree with that,” said Franky, stepping close. “They look like small fry. Let Sunny take care of them, Strawhat. We can… I mean, I can fire our cannons at them…” his face turned pale and stricken as he said it, but he went on in a lower tone, “ …sure, I may miss some of the shots, but our cannons are fast and big enough that we oughta be able to sink them.”
“Or I can take care of them, once they get closer,” said Zoro. “I could use a work-out.” There was a chance they might have a decent swordsman on board.
“No, I could,” said Sanji, less the usual rivalry in his voice than a wish to finally release some tension, if Zoro was any judge. “I’ll do it now, if you’ll give me a hand and throw me there.”
Luffy hadn’t looked away. “No. You guys stay here. I’ll take care of it.” His voice was still low, as when facing the very gravest threats.
“But…” said Zoro, sword in mouth. These guys are probably just small fry, he wanted to say. Or at most medium-sized fry. They don’t deserve for you to get all worked up.
“Luffy…” Sanji said, looking as if he was thinking just the same.
“I said I’ll take care of it! Go take cover, all of you!” shouted Luffy in a voice that brooked no disobedience. Stunned, they’d had no choice to back away and do as he said, only watching as Luffy launched himself over to the enemy ship.
As they’d thought, it didn’t take him very long. But it wasn’t just Franky, Sanji and Zoro who felt vaguely humiliated – they all did. It didn’t feel like normal, like a division of labour, or their captain being impatient. No, it was as if he didn’t trust them anymore.
**
“Hey,” said Franky now, features grim and tight, “I’m on board with the idea that something’s got to be done. I don’t think I can stand this too much longer either. Tell you guys the truth, when I realised Strawhat wasn’t even rememberin’ Merry anymore I felt like I wanted to punch him in the gut, an’ if I thought that would have helped any I damn well would’ve.”
“And as for this latest thing he’s doing, the lying…” Franky ran his fingers through his hair, swore softly and slumped down, head bowed low. “Still,” he muttered hoarsely, “if we do this, don’t it come pretty close to mutiny? I mean, hell, might be worth it, but we’d better all know what we’re doing before we decide, is all I’m saying.”
“Technically, it’s not,” said Nami. “It wasn’t Luffy who said we should leave the island, and he’s never told me to sail to the one we’re travelling to either. In fact he’s never even asked me about it.” She frowned at that. Usually Luffy would bug her all the time about the next destination on the journey, even when she knew nothing about it. “It will only be mutiny if he orders us to turn around again, and we choose not to do so. If he even notices the change in course, that is.”
“But surely even Mr. Luffy – meaning no disrespect - will notice if the morning sun is in the opposite place from where it was yesterday,” said Brook.
“I’m not sure,” mumbled Chopper. “Usually of course he would, but the way he is nowadays… I think if he doesn’t want to notice, he won’t.”
“Sooner or later we’d still have to tell him, though,” Franky pointed out. “Once we’d be getting close to that place, he’d have to know what’s going on so he wouldn’t go blindly into danger.”
“We’ll have to make battle plans and he’ll have to know about them,” said Sanji. “Shit, he won’t like that at all, you saw how he was yesterday, stupid shitty idiot thinks we’re all little kids now or something… Uh, that is if we do decide to do this,” he added belatedly.
“It feels really weird to go behind his back like this,” said Chopper in a small voice.
“It should,” said Zoro heavily. “And Franky is right. What we’re doing now isn’t all that far from mutiny already, even if we’re only talking. If we do choose to go back, it could easily turn into a real one. And in that case, we should all be aware of what we’re doing. And be ready for the consequences.” He spoke the last line with particular emphasis, his expression growing even darker.
“You can’t seriously think…” said Nami, turning to stare at him. “The way he was yesterday –trying to protect all of us even from that small danger…! He’d never even think something like that.”
“It does seem unlikely,” Brook broke in, “but it’s still the case that as the captain, he’d have the right to take our heads for that. And we should all know that, beforehand.” He paused briefly, then went on, waving his swordcane with energy, “I’m not saying we should let him while we’re still sailing back there, of course. That would defeat the whole purpose! But if this plan were to succeed, if he were to turn back to himself as we hope… well, then he’d have the full right to do so. And as honourable crewmates, it would be our duty to offer and to remind him.”
Zoro nodded. They were all quiet for a while.
“Well, that’s as may be,” said Robin finally. “I have to agree with Nami that it seems very psychologically unlikely that things would go that far, but it’s true that mutiny is not a casual affair. We might do well to plan for the contingency that we may need to restrain our captain.”
Chopper flinched and paled at that, and Brook clicked his fingerbones together as if to say “of course, how could I forget?” Sanji, Nami and Franky all looked grimmer and more tired at this thought, while Zoro’s expression remained unchanged.
“In any case,” she went on, “I’m not all that sure that going back would really be beneficial to Luffy. Maybe it’s just something we want to do for our own sakes? Just because we find it hard to bear the way he is acting lately, does that really mean it’s wrong for him to do so?” She looked at all of them gravely. “Even this latest development, the lying, which I agree is painful to me as well – it may in fact be good for him. I’m not an expert on such matters, but it could well be a step on the way to healing. And…” She closed her eyes briefly before going on, “…I do think we’re fooling ourselves if we think it’s merely a case of getting the old Luffy back. Whatever happens from now on, he will not simply return to the way he was.”
*
Even as she speaks, Robin feels as if there’s a wall, a barrier between her and the rest of her crewmates. It’s the same barrier that used to be there all the time before Enies Lobby but has rarely, if ever, returned since then – until now. Although there’s less darkness in the barrier than in the old bad days, she finds it hard to reach out through its heavy veils, to read the others properly and to respond to them with conviction. As the barrier returns, so does Robin’s disgust with herself, her sense of being truly monstrous and alien to “real” human beings. These feelings are wrong and useless, she knows, but she can’t find the strength to push them away.
Have her connections to them been that vulnerable, all this time? That weak and fragile? She doesn’t want to believe that – yet with one anchor gone, and with Luffy’s mind clouded as he shields himself in lies, his heart no longer the great engine driving them all, it feels as if she’s already drifting away from them. The other anchors are intact, but she has trouble sensing them now.
Is that what it comes down to, then? she asks herself. Just because she can no longer follow the words of a longnosed young man in a mask who told her to trust in Luffy, she considers herself lost and adrift, unable to help her crewmates even though she can plainly see their suffering?
It seems that way.
She thinks about what Nami has said about the need for burial, for graves, funerals… Would she as a child have felt better if her mother, Saul, and everyone she grew up with had been properly buried after being killed? Robin pictures her younger self walking around a huge graveyard, and rather doubts it.
On the other hand, Brook had insisted on burying the bones of his old crew in West Blue soil from Thriller Bark, and had seemed to find solace in that. So perhaps Robin is wrong. Even about herself, she might be wrong. And she must admit part of her hopes for that.
*
“Maybe you’re right, Robin,” said Sanji in a low voice, not looking up at her. “Maybe it would just be selfish, but… All I know is I just can’t go on like this anymore!” His voice rose, one hand hitting the table. “I just… fucking… can’t! Even this, us sitting here all calm and reasonable, it…I can’t take it!”
He slammed his hand down again, then shook his head back and forth, red with anger. “Shit, the main reason I’m so bloody mad at him” – he was standing up now, pointing in the direction of the boys’ cabin – “is that I want to do what he’s doing! You don’t think I don’t want to forget, too?!” He started to pace to and fro, conscious of their looks that were probably shocked or disapproving – or maybe they didn’t even expect anything else from him, considering how things were – and he knew he should be mature and calm down but that was impossible, this outburst had been building for far too long now.
“And I’m fucking mad at him too!” he exploded. “What the hell kind of shitty thing is that to do, getting knocked off by a stupid fucking shitty sea monster of all things? I can’t even remember what the last thing was I said to that idiot! This isn’t the way it should go, dammit! Damn fool shoulda outlived us all and gone home to marry his sweetheart and told people stories of us until dying of old age! Who the hell’s going to tell those stories now? Some shitty bloody strangers? I don’t wanna fucking let them!!”
He made himself stop as a wave of fatigue shot through him, then dropped down into his chair again, legs trembling. “Sorry. I’m sorry,” he muttered, his eyes closed, ashamed. He took a few deep breaths, then a few more, pushing back the tears. “…I’m really sorry,” he mumbled, kneading his forehead. “That was stupid. I know there’s no use in shouting. I guess…” He forced out a crooked smile. “…I guess I make a good example of what Nami-baby said before. Maybe the rest of you are strong enough to go on with things like this, but I sure as shit am not. I’m sorry,” he added one more time, ducking his head once more in apology.
Franky stood up, his face unreadable. “Excuse me, you guys. I gotta step outside for a minute.”
He left the galley. No-one seemed to know what to say, so they all waited for him. In a very short time, they heard a loud explosion that rocked the room slightly. A minute later, Franky came back, wiping dirt from his hands and sat down with a “well, that was that” kind of nod.
Chopper coughed, a small sound in the wide silence. “This is what I think,” he said, sitting up as upright as possible, his clear young voice small at first but rising in strength as he spoke. “I think if he’d been here, if it had been someone else of us… he’d have wanted to go back. He would have been scared, I think, but he’d still insist that we should do it.
“Especially if going back would help Luffy. I even think he, he’d pretty mad at us, if he were here. For not taking care of Luffy better, I mean. That’s what I wanted to say.” He nodded firmly, then sat back.
“You’re right about that,” said Zoro slowly, almost absently, “but even so…” Then he shook himself, “Hell with it. Yeah, I agree with Nami: we should go back. Planning for mutiny and deception feels like I’m betraying myself even more than him, but I’m damned if I know what else to do.” Zoro looked sickened yet determined, and grimmer than they’d ever seen him. He gave each of them a sharp, weighing look. “And it doesn’t look like the rest of you know, either. So I say we do this.”
“I agree, then,” said Robin in a low voice.
“Me, too,” muttered Sanji.
“To me as well, it does seem like the only way,” said Brook, nodding.
“Yeah, sure, let’s go for it,” said Franky. “Only, let’s make proper plans like Robin said. If we have to be mutineers, we better be good at it.”
Nami let out a long, long sigh, her fingers stopping their nervous movements. Her eyes sought out Chopper’s: he looked back at her earnestly, then smiled, just a tiny bit. A smile of complete and utter trust.
“Okay, then,” she said, standing up. “We turn around now, while he’s still asleep. And then, let’s plan this.”
The sun had set outside, and the sky was quickly growing darker, the stars coming out clear and bright. Franky went below deck, muttering about illumination. But Nami walked briskly towards the helm with her crewmates in tow, and only her fingertips were trembling.
Continued in Chapter Four
Rating: PG (PG-13 in Chapter 1)
Pairing: None
Characters: All the Strawhats
Spoilers/setting: I think of this as taking place some time in the future, after the current arc (Impel Down). As such it contains speculation on future events.
Genre: Serious angst; deathfic
Summary: From a prompt on
op_fanforall asking for angstfic in which Luffy has to deal with Usopp being dead.Note: This updated version has been extensively betaed by
tonko and wendytigges, to whom go all my thanks. Any remaining errors are solely my own fault. There's been quite a bit of rewriting on this one since it was first posted, unbetaed, on the anon thread. Concrit is highly encouraged! Edit as of Feb. 2010: Title change.
Previous parts: Chapter One, Chapter Two
(Disclaimer: The characters and situationas of One Piece were created and are owned by Eiichiro Oda. They are used here without permission for entertainment purposes only. This fic is not used and may not be used for profit.)
“All right,” said Nami, lighting the lamp on the table before sitting down. She looked around at the crew, assembled around the table in the galley. “I guess I’d better start, now that everyone is here.”
“Uh. Just checking here,” said Franky, holding up one finger, “but Strawhat’s asleep right now, right? We don’t have to speak in code in case he barges in or anything like that?”
“He’s asleep, all right,” said Sanji tiredly. “There’s a reason I cooked that big octopus with that stuffing and all the sauces, and then served the cake for desert. Even Luffy’s going to take some time digesting that.”
“I used the sweetest lullabies I could think of, too, when I played for him just now,” Brook pointed out.
“That’s true,” said Nami, giving Brook an appreciative smile. At first she’d asked if he could use that “Lullaby Flan” move of his, the one that sent people to sleep immediately, but Brook had explained that the drawback of that move was that people often didn’t sleep very long. Using a softer kind of persuasion with suitable melodies was a slower method, but it tended to yield safer results in the end. According to Brook, anyway.
A light of realisation and mumbles of oh-I-see went around the table, among those in the crew who hadn’t been in on it from the start. Luffy wasn’t the only one who’d felt drowsy after that particularly heavy dinner, which had offered not only the freshly-caught octopus but also spare steaks from the freezer. But the extra-strong coffee that Sanji had just served everyone was helping chase the sleepiness away. Nami was glad she’d kept Chopper well away from Brook’s lullabies, else he’d probably be asleep too.
“He could still wake up,” she warned Franky and the others, “but I think we have a while. And maybe he’ll sleep until morning.” It was pretty late in the day, after all, the sun growing large and red outside.
It still felt very strange and wrong to go behind his back like this... But what other choice did they have? Whether the others would agree with her or not, they’d only be able to discuss the matter freely if Luffy wasn’t there.
“Okay,” she said now, clearing her throat and sitting up straighter. “So. I think… I think we can’t really go on like this. Like we’re doing now. I’m sorry, but… I don’t think we’re strong enough. And what I think we should do is… go back.”
“Go back to that place,” said Zoro in a flat tone that was neither agreeing nor disagreeing. His face was impassive and unreadable.
“Yeah. I think we left too quickly,” she said. “We weren’t thinking very clearly, all wounded and in shock, and the log pose had already set… But when you think about it, I doubt they’ve sent new troops there yet. Unless they already plan on trapping someone else that way… Even if they have, even if there’ll be the same amount of sea monsters, we know the ground now and can lay a battle plan in advance.”
*
Nami thinks she’s keeping herself together at the moment, that she’s presenting her usual sharp, collected self to her crewmates. She doesn’t notice the nervous, urgent undertone in her voice; the way she’s unable to keep still; her tiny, repetitive movements of fingers drumming on the table, legs rocking, shoulders twitching. Her hair is unkempt, her posture tense, and her clothes could do with a wash. There’s a glint in her eyes that’s close to feverish. Then again, most of the people in the room look even more tired than she does.
More and more, she feels on the move, in a hurry, unwilling to sit down in one place for long. Even at mealtimes she tries to finish quickly, though then at least her arms and hands are always moving. There are nightmares where she’s being followed by something that’s large and invisible that never grows tired: sometimes she almost feels like she can hear the footsteps of that nightmare beast in the day.
She’s tried and tried to work hard and keep doing what they always do and it’s not working. Now she has to do this. If she doesn’t, no-one else will.
On her head be it.
*
“Those guys back there… they used a whistle or somethin’ to lure the seakings there, didn’t they?” mumbled Franky now. “But we destroyed that. He did. I know. I was there and I saw it.” It had been a simple Gunpowder Star, but aimed perfectly: it had been enough to blow up the oddly shaped bone whistle and cause a nasty wound in the jaw of the Marine commander. Luffy had taken over, after that.
“They might have others,” said Nami. “But if we plan for it…”
“You can do that, Nami-baby?” said Sanji, leaning his elbow forward, his head propped up on his hand. “Sail through the Grand Line without a log pose or a Vivrecard?” He looked exhausted: there were lines under his eyes, his shoulders were drooping, and there was a greyish tint to his skin. Now he was staring intensely at Nami as if she held the one and only key to salvation there was in the world.
*
Sanji doesn’t know how long he has before he starts crumbling, unless something changes soon. He doesn’t sleep very much these days. When he does, there are times when he has happy dreams, even now – or rather, they’re dreams that are nice while they last but awful to wake up from: to realise they were only dreams.
More often, there’s the same recurring dream where he’s running through a dark city, one with immense towering houses, infinitely long, curving streets, and not one single person about. And Sanji is running, running very fast but with his head down, eyes fixed on the ground since he’s following a trail of blood, crimson and splotchy on the dark cobble stones.
But the trail just goes on and on through the endless streets and no matter how fast Sanji runs – and he runs so fast his chest is burning and he’s gasping for breath – he can never catch up.
Even that dream is better than waking up, though. At least in the dream he’s still running, still hoping. It’s in vain, but it’s something.
*
Trying not to flinch from that burning look, Nami nodded in reply to Sanji’s question. “We can do it. Not very easily or quickly, but we can, because the weather has been holding clear ever since then. Both day and night. So I’ve been able to carefully track our course in relation to the sun and to the constellations. As long as we can see the sun and the stars, we can get back there.”
“Wow, I had no idea you could do that, Nami!” exclaimed Chopper, his eyes grown large with amazement. “But – but what if it turns cloudy?”
“Then we’ll have no choice but to furl the sails until it clears,” she said. “Drop anchor if possible, or if there’s nothing to fasten it on, just stop pushing and hope we won’t be driven too far off course. It could take days to get back on course once it clears, but it’s the only way we could do it.” She looked around again at everyone. “It would be tough, you know, especially if we sleep in shifts and sail at night as much as possible. But the stars are easier to navigate by than the sun. Only, we’d all have to work hard and might not get much sleep.”
They nodded in understanding. They didn’t get all that much sleep these days, anyway. But Robin said gently, “Nami, perhaps you should go on to explain why you think it’s so important to get back. I know you’ve talked about this with some of us already, but we should all hear it together, I think.”
Brook coughed cautiously. “I thought it was about the poneglyphs,” he said. “To let Miss Robin read them. And also, the… the possibility that… there might be a burial.”
The air felt heavier, more silent. All eyes were fixed on Nami. She looked down on the table now, her fingers making small circles in the non-existent dust. “Yes,” she said hoarsely. “And more than that.” She cleared her throat. “You see, guys… and I know I’ve said this before, to most of you… but I’m not just imagining it! It’s really true that I never saw if he fell into the water or not. If he did and I knew it for sure, well, then there’d be nothing to do about it. It’s not like I think he could have… that he… you know. It was way too high up and the wound was way deep… it… it wouldn’t…” She closed her eyes and swallowed tightly, then clenched her fists and went on. “…I’d still want us to go back there, but now even more so. Because he might also have fallen on land. And… if he did, then we should make sure he gets buried properly. Or, or maybe we could make it a proper sea funeral instead, but… but we can’t just let him lie there. If he is.”
“But,” she goes on, opening her eyes and speaking into the silence, “those are not the only reasons. I think, if we went back there, it could force Luffy to remember.”
She paused. Nobody said anything except for a very soft “Ah” coming from Brook’s corner.
Nami looked away from their stark faces for a moment, down at the knuckles of her left hand. She picked at the tablecloth, then looked up again, despair in her voice when she next spoke.
“We’ve given him time enough… but he doesn’t seem to be able to break out from what he’s doing by himself, and nothing we do seems to work. He just won’t listen to us, no matter what! And this is the only thing I can think of.”
There was a long, thoughtful silence, finally broken by Robin.
“You know,” she said, “about the poneglyphs… I think we should consider the possibility that they wouldn’t be of much use at all, even to me. They could say something entirely pointless.”
Nami and Chopper frowned at her. “Didn’t you tell me once that if you read all the poneglyphs, put together they will reveal the truth about the true history?” said Nami, and Chopper nodded emphatically, for he’d heard her say that too.
“I said I thought so, that they might reveal it,” said Robin sharply, then sighed. “It’s nothing but a working hypothesis. If it were only me, that would be one thing – but it’s certainly not something I’m prepared to risk the lives of my comrades for.” Again, her tone said clearly, even though her words did not.
“Well, you can’t know if they’re useless either, without going there,” Zoro pointed out in an even tone. “Though… I’m not sure myself if going back is what we should do now. But I do know we have to do something.” He took a deep breath, then looked up, first at Nami, and then at all of them. “We can’t trust Luffy to make the right decisions for us right now,” he said in a low but very, very heavy voice. “Not when he’s in this state.”
“It’s not like I don’t think he can still fight,” he went on, speaking slowly but without hesitation. “We all saw that yesterday. But making the right decisions about who to fight and when, and what everyone should do? …I don’t think he’s able to do that, right now.”
The crew exchanged glances, unease about Zoro’s statements mingled with reluctant agreement on most faces. For some there was a certain small relief, too, that the first mate said this so they didn’t have to. And they all recalled yesterday’s skirmish very well.
**
“I’ll take care of it.” Luffy’s voice had sunk down to intense seriousness, his face all set, grim and dangerous as he stared fixedly at the enemy vessel moving towards them. Zoro, who had drawn his swords and moved up to the railing besides him, started a bit, glancing at him with surprise. It was the first time Luffy had looked anything close to serious since it happened.
“These guys don’t look all that dangerous to me,” said Zoro. The enemy pirates were arrogant enough, eager to raid for treasure and eliminate rivals, but their ship was small and their cannons were slow and not too well handled. Since they’d gotten this far, there were bound to be at least a few strong fighters on board. But Zoro doubted they were worth getting all intense about.
“Yeah, gotta agree with that,” said Franky, stepping close. “They look like small fry. Let Sunny take care of them, Strawhat. We can… I mean, I can fire our cannons at them…” his face turned pale and stricken as he said it, but he went on in a lower tone, “ …sure, I may miss some of the shots, but our cannons are fast and big enough that we oughta be able to sink them.”
“Or I can take care of them, once they get closer,” said Zoro. “I could use a work-out.” There was a chance they might have a decent swordsman on board.
“No, I could,” said Sanji, less the usual rivalry in his voice than a wish to finally release some tension, if Zoro was any judge. “I’ll do it now, if you’ll give me a hand and throw me there.”
Luffy hadn’t looked away. “No. You guys stay here. I’ll take care of it.” His voice was still low, as when facing the very gravest threats.
“But…” said Zoro, sword in mouth. These guys are probably just small fry, he wanted to say. Or at most medium-sized fry. They don’t deserve for you to get all worked up.
“Luffy…” Sanji said, looking as if he was thinking just the same.
“I said I’ll take care of it! Go take cover, all of you!” shouted Luffy in a voice that brooked no disobedience. Stunned, they’d had no choice to back away and do as he said, only watching as Luffy launched himself over to the enemy ship.
As they’d thought, it didn’t take him very long. But it wasn’t just Franky, Sanji and Zoro who felt vaguely humiliated – they all did. It didn’t feel like normal, like a division of labour, or their captain being impatient. No, it was as if he didn’t trust them anymore.
**
“Hey,” said Franky now, features grim and tight, “I’m on board with the idea that something’s got to be done. I don’t think I can stand this too much longer either. Tell you guys the truth, when I realised Strawhat wasn’t even rememberin’ Merry anymore I felt like I wanted to punch him in the gut, an’ if I thought that would have helped any I damn well would’ve.”
“And as for this latest thing he’s doing, the lying…” Franky ran his fingers through his hair, swore softly and slumped down, head bowed low. “Still,” he muttered hoarsely, “if we do this, don’t it come pretty close to mutiny? I mean, hell, might be worth it, but we’d better all know what we’re doing before we decide, is all I’m saying.”
“Technically, it’s not,” said Nami. “It wasn’t Luffy who said we should leave the island, and he’s never told me to sail to the one we’re travelling to either. In fact he’s never even asked me about it.” She frowned at that. Usually Luffy would bug her all the time about the next destination on the journey, even when she knew nothing about it. “It will only be mutiny if he orders us to turn around again, and we choose not to do so. If he even notices the change in course, that is.”
“But surely even Mr. Luffy – meaning no disrespect - will notice if the morning sun is in the opposite place from where it was yesterday,” said Brook.
“I’m not sure,” mumbled Chopper. “Usually of course he would, but the way he is nowadays… I think if he doesn’t want to notice, he won’t.”
“Sooner or later we’d still have to tell him, though,” Franky pointed out. “Once we’d be getting close to that place, he’d have to know what’s going on so he wouldn’t go blindly into danger.”
“We’ll have to make battle plans and he’ll have to know about them,” said Sanji. “Shit, he won’t like that at all, you saw how he was yesterday, stupid shitty idiot thinks we’re all little kids now or something… Uh, that is if we do decide to do this,” he added belatedly.
“It feels really weird to go behind his back like this,” said Chopper in a small voice.
“It should,” said Zoro heavily. “And Franky is right. What we’re doing now isn’t all that far from mutiny already, even if we’re only talking. If we do choose to go back, it could easily turn into a real one. And in that case, we should all be aware of what we’re doing. And be ready for the consequences.” He spoke the last line with particular emphasis, his expression growing even darker.
“You can’t seriously think…” said Nami, turning to stare at him. “The way he was yesterday –trying to protect all of us even from that small danger…! He’d never even think something like that.”
“It does seem unlikely,” Brook broke in, “but it’s still the case that as the captain, he’d have the right to take our heads for that. And we should all know that, beforehand.” He paused briefly, then went on, waving his swordcane with energy, “I’m not saying we should let him while we’re still sailing back there, of course. That would defeat the whole purpose! But if this plan were to succeed, if he were to turn back to himself as we hope… well, then he’d have the full right to do so. And as honourable crewmates, it would be our duty to offer and to remind him.”
Zoro nodded. They were all quiet for a while.
“Well, that’s as may be,” said Robin finally. “I have to agree with Nami that it seems very psychologically unlikely that things would go that far, but it’s true that mutiny is not a casual affair. We might do well to plan for the contingency that we may need to restrain our captain.”
Chopper flinched and paled at that, and Brook clicked his fingerbones together as if to say “of course, how could I forget?” Sanji, Nami and Franky all looked grimmer and more tired at this thought, while Zoro’s expression remained unchanged.
“In any case,” she went on, “I’m not all that sure that going back would really be beneficial to Luffy. Maybe it’s just something we want to do for our own sakes? Just because we find it hard to bear the way he is acting lately, does that really mean it’s wrong for him to do so?” She looked at all of them gravely. “Even this latest development, the lying, which I agree is painful to me as well – it may in fact be good for him. I’m not an expert on such matters, but it could well be a step on the way to healing. And…” She closed her eyes briefly before going on, “…I do think we’re fooling ourselves if we think it’s merely a case of getting the old Luffy back. Whatever happens from now on, he will not simply return to the way he was.”
*
Even as she speaks, Robin feels as if there’s a wall, a barrier between her and the rest of her crewmates. It’s the same barrier that used to be there all the time before Enies Lobby but has rarely, if ever, returned since then – until now. Although there’s less darkness in the barrier than in the old bad days, she finds it hard to reach out through its heavy veils, to read the others properly and to respond to them with conviction. As the barrier returns, so does Robin’s disgust with herself, her sense of being truly monstrous and alien to “real” human beings. These feelings are wrong and useless, she knows, but she can’t find the strength to push them away.
Have her connections to them been that vulnerable, all this time? That weak and fragile? She doesn’t want to believe that – yet with one anchor gone, and with Luffy’s mind clouded as he shields himself in lies, his heart no longer the great engine driving them all, it feels as if she’s already drifting away from them. The other anchors are intact, but she has trouble sensing them now.
Is that what it comes down to, then? she asks herself. Just because she can no longer follow the words of a longnosed young man in a mask who told her to trust in Luffy, she considers herself lost and adrift, unable to help her crewmates even though she can plainly see their suffering?
It seems that way.
She thinks about what Nami has said about the need for burial, for graves, funerals… Would she as a child have felt better if her mother, Saul, and everyone she grew up with had been properly buried after being killed? Robin pictures her younger self walking around a huge graveyard, and rather doubts it.
On the other hand, Brook had insisted on burying the bones of his old crew in West Blue soil from Thriller Bark, and had seemed to find solace in that. So perhaps Robin is wrong. Even about herself, she might be wrong. And she must admit part of her hopes for that.
*
“Maybe you’re right, Robin,” said Sanji in a low voice, not looking up at her. “Maybe it would just be selfish, but… All I know is I just can’t go on like this anymore!” His voice rose, one hand hitting the table. “I just… fucking… can’t! Even this, us sitting here all calm and reasonable, it…I can’t take it!”
He slammed his hand down again, then shook his head back and forth, red with anger. “Shit, the main reason I’m so bloody mad at him” – he was standing up now, pointing in the direction of the boys’ cabin – “is that I want to do what he’s doing! You don’t think I don’t want to forget, too?!” He started to pace to and fro, conscious of their looks that were probably shocked or disapproving – or maybe they didn’t even expect anything else from him, considering how things were – and he knew he should be mature and calm down but that was impossible, this outburst had been building for far too long now.
“And I’m fucking mad at him too!” he exploded. “What the hell kind of shitty thing is that to do, getting knocked off by a stupid fucking shitty sea monster of all things? I can’t even remember what the last thing was I said to that idiot! This isn’t the way it should go, dammit! Damn fool shoulda outlived us all and gone home to marry his sweetheart and told people stories of us until dying of old age! Who the hell’s going to tell those stories now? Some shitty bloody strangers? I don’t wanna fucking let them!!”
He made himself stop as a wave of fatigue shot through him, then dropped down into his chair again, legs trembling. “Sorry. I’m sorry,” he muttered, his eyes closed, ashamed. He took a few deep breaths, then a few more, pushing back the tears. “…I’m really sorry,” he mumbled, kneading his forehead. “That was stupid. I know there’s no use in shouting. I guess…” He forced out a crooked smile. “…I guess I make a good example of what Nami-baby said before. Maybe the rest of you are strong enough to go on with things like this, but I sure as shit am not. I’m sorry,” he added one more time, ducking his head once more in apology.
Franky stood up, his face unreadable. “Excuse me, you guys. I gotta step outside for a minute.”
He left the galley. No-one seemed to know what to say, so they all waited for him. In a very short time, they heard a loud explosion that rocked the room slightly. A minute later, Franky came back, wiping dirt from his hands and sat down with a “well, that was that” kind of nod.
Chopper coughed, a small sound in the wide silence. “This is what I think,” he said, sitting up as upright as possible, his clear young voice small at first but rising in strength as he spoke. “I think if he’d been here, if it had been someone else of us… he’d have wanted to go back. He would have been scared, I think, but he’d still insist that we should do it.
“Especially if going back would help Luffy. I even think he, he’d pretty mad at us, if he were here. For not taking care of Luffy better, I mean. That’s what I wanted to say.” He nodded firmly, then sat back.
“You’re right about that,” said Zoro slowly, almost absently, “but even so…” Then he shook himself, “Hell with it. Yeah, I agree with Nami: we should go back. Planning for mutiny and deception feels like I’m betraying myself even more than him, but I’m damned if I know what else to do.” Zoro looked sickened yet determined, and grimmer than they’d ever seen him. He gave each of them a sharp, weighing look. “And it doesn’t look like the rest of you know, either. So I say we do this.”
“I agree, then,” said Robin in a low voice.
“Me, too,” muttered Sanji.
“To me as well, it does seem like the only way,” said Brook, nodding.
“Yeah, sure, let’s go for it,” said Franky. “Only, let’s make proper plans like Robin said. If we have to be mutineers, we better be good at it.”
Nami let out a long, long sigh, her fingers stopping their nervous movements. Her eyes sought out Chopper’s: he looked back at her earnestly, then smiled, just a tiny bit. A smile of complete and utter trust.
“Okay, then,” she said, standing up. “We turn around now, while he’s still asleep. And then, let’s plan this.”
The sun had set outside, and the sky was quickly growing darker, the stars coming out clear and bright. Franky went below deck, muttering about illumination. But Nami walked briskly towards the helm with her crewmates in tow, and only her fingertips were trembling.
Continued in Chapter Four
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-04-10 10:32 am (UTC)I am just so damned IMPRESSED with the quality of writing in this chapter and the pacing of it, too, is marvelous. Brook and Robin especially came through for me, characterization-wise, and I just really ached for all of them.
God, I know a happy ending in a death fic isn't fully possible, but I can't help but keep hoping...
no subject
Date: 2009-04-10 03:38 pm (UTC)(whereas my first impression was that he was afraid to risk losing anyone rather than that they weren't strong enough)
I think your first impression is the chief reason behind Luffy's overprotectiveness, and the crew probably understands that. But at the same time it feels to them as if he no longer believes in their fighting strength, which is hard for them to take.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-10 11:07 pm (UTC)*flustered*
Date: 2009-04-11 02:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-11 01:32 am (UTC)DAMN STRAIGHT. I'm with Sanji. Nobody but the liar should tell their story.
Seriously though, this story is tightly-written and fabulously characterized. I don't remember reading this part on op_fanforall and so I'm glad you're posting this on your journal. This is my favorite bit so far. I love this conversation and how well you've done it. The bit about mutiny was a kick to the stomach. I...also admit that I am starting to have hope that things might turn out okay. After the first two chapters, I need that hope.
I really hope you continue and will do my level best to remember to comment to future chapters!
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Date: 2009-04-11 02:40 pm (UTC)The bit about mutiny was a kick to the stomach....also admit that I am starting to have hope that things might turn out okay. After the first two chapters, I need that hope.
I hope so, too - it's what I want for the story. But I'm not sure yet if the story will prove co-operative with me.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-15 06:21 pm (UTC)I figured I should get my tail on this since you started posting to FF.Net. Haha, I'll spare the world all my lame-o excuses this time.
Some general thoughts…
Everything feels right. It's some of the small details here which really grab me, like Usopp having been the one to destroy the whistle. Also, Franky stumbling over the idea that he'll miss some of the cannon shots—he can't do it like Usopp could—just, man… Subtle, but together those two moments tie into one of the things you've mentioned being the purpose of this fic—to explore the consequences of Usopp's death, which range farther than mere emotional damage. I'm really interested in seeing where you can take that.
And on that note, I'd like to say that I really love the Sanji rant scene. "Who the hell's going to tell those stories now? Some shitty bloody strangers? I don't wanna fucking let them!"
If that were actually in the series, I bet this line right here would be quoted so freakin' much. XD The build-up was great. Sanji was like a runaway train down a hill, and in those last few sentences it was like he slammed right into you, you who are standing clueless, at the bottom of said hill. Very emotionally effective. Bravo.
The mentions of dreams were also nice and subtle reflections on their feelings as well. Dream sequences are one of those things I feel can really bring a story down if they're not done right, especially if they're overused. (And if you think I felt comfortable with Usopp's dream in my fic, well…) Sanji's particularly feels at home here, though. His mention of dreaming was also more firmly developed, I felt—probably the mention of more than one type of dream, and the emotional reverb of the dreams he is having, rather than using the dreams as a mere reflection on his feelings. In short, a more complex usage of dreams. Nice. I like it.
XD Now that I think about it, the way you portrayed Sanji's haggard, harried air here reminds me of his look on one of the most recent OP episodes (the one that breaks your brain. If you've seen it, you'll know what I mean.)
…what I mean to say by that is, it's just one more evidence to me that everyone's nicely in character here.
All in all, strong chapter.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-15 08:21 pm (UTC)First, thank you very much for the nitpicks! I'll get back to you on a few specific ones later, if you don't mind?
...ah, you saw me posting the first three chapters to ff.net. Yep, finally started on that - you may take this as a tentatively hopeful sign that I feel like I'm getting a handle on how to resolve this thing, although there are plenty of plot points that are sketchy still. Chapter 7 will probably be posted here on LJ before long (just waiting for a little more beta, right now). But I'm spacing the chapters out on ffnet - a bit dishonest but I want to spare those readers the loooong wait my faithful LJ raders have had to endure.
I'm very glad you picked up on things like the whistle's destruction and Franky with the cannons. I'm wrestling with a scene in the first draft of Chapter 8 right now that will go more into that side of it.
I feel so - honestly gratified that Sanji's rant came out well to you. It seemed important to put it there. And thanks for the kind words on the dream thing! I may be unusual in that I tend to like dream scenes in stories (unless they're terribly clichéd); but I know many people don't.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-16 03:13 pm (UTC)Heh, from my perspective a year or so to wait's not so bad. I can name a few stories that I'll be waiting the rest of my life and beyond on. I find I start forgetting about most stuff after about three or four months (unless it was extremely remarkable, of course,) and then end up very pleasantly surprised six months, a year, a year and a half later... XD
But I am definitely glad to hear there is more on the way! *bounces*
And, it's not that I particularly have anything against dream scenes (not that I'm particularly into them, either.) I've just read a lot of fanfic, and that has awakened me to the clichés. I don't consider myself extremely picky, but time and experience (as little as I have, when put into perspective) has made me aware...as it were.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-16 08:01 pm (UTC)Also. I never commented on the latest chapter of your fic, but I did read it! And like the other chapters so far I found it continued to be very touching and hard, although the lingering warmth from the snowball fight was lovely.
Zoro raised some pretty good points, I thought. I confess I find myself reading through the flashback bits very quickly as it's hard to bear watching everything get worse and worse for the Usopp we knew, but it, too, felt solidly written.
But I couldn't think of anything new to say this time around, and I - quite unlike you right now, she said shamefully - wasn't attentive enough to find nitpicks. Thus, no new comments. Doesn't mean I'm not waiting any less eagerly for the next chapter, however...
no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 01:21 am (UTC)And I don't blame you for reading the flashback parts rather quickly. Ironically enough, that was probably the scene I spent the most time on, but I still understand. The reason it was difficult to write is probably the same it's hard to read.
Fortunately (...or, horrifyingly, depending on how you look at it...) we're not really near the worst of it in the flashbacks. However, there's going to be a period of "stability" as I need to establish some OCs in some detail and what kind of relationship they have with Usopp in order to go further. That "Saint Iddis" Usopp seemed to have a grudge against, (briefly mentioned, before Luffy came out and distracted him with snowballs,) is gonna emerge as a major player. XD
Frankly, the other thing that I'm interested in at the moment is the effect that slavery as an institution has on the Celestial Dragons. Something I had to read for school really got me thinking about how slavery entraps them, too. Only showing that may be harder since the story's largely from the perspective of the powerless. I'll probably end up discussing it in an A/N eventually, or at least as a separate thing on my LJ.
At that time I'll probably also mention a bunch of books, the way I'm going. It's gotten to the point where I'm doing research beyond anything ever assigned in school. (I mean, this is called The Psychology of a Shattered Mind here, so I probably should know something about psychology, at least in a general sense as it applies to the situation Usopp's in.)
It makes me feel really geeky. Or maybe guilty. I'm not sure which. >.> <.< You won't tell anyone, will you? XD
(It wasn't my idea, really. I blame Vathara over at FF.Net for all this business about research. She kept mentioning all this research she was doing for her epic Avatar: TLA fic she's writing and I was all like: "RESEARCH!? You do research for a fanfic!? (Insert Luffy-style "Awesome!!!" and sparkly eyes here) That's so cool and dedicated and, like, smart...and stuff! I wanna be all cool and dedicated and smart and stuff, too!")
Ahhh, I just hope the OCs don't turn out too badly. They're the one thing I'm really fretting over. OCs are always the one thing that make me most nervous about the quality of a story, but, I can't avoid them in this one. Gah.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 01:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-15 06:40 pm (UTC)Though Nami was glad she’d kept Chopper well away from Brook’s lullabies, else he’d probably be asleep too.
I think it would sound better without the "Though."
Whether the other would agree with her or not, they’d only be able to discuss the matter freely if Luffy wasn’t there.
Should be "the others"
There are nightmares when she’s being followed by something that’s large and invisible and untiring:
"nightmares where"
it had been enough to blow up the oddly shaped bone whistle and cause a nasty wound in the jaw of the commander of that island.
Tiny nitpick: use "commander of the island." Sounds…smoother to me, for some reason. It's probably the rhythm of repetitive "the"s, for one thing. Also, I think the use of "that" has a slight emotionally distancing effect in comparison to the use of "the". Maybe since I feel that the Strawhats well know what island is being discussed, and this appears to be in Strawhat POV, it seems odd to distance it in the prose.
Sanji doesn't know how long he has before he starts crumbling, if things don't change very soon.
I can't decide if it's just my preference on this, but I'd nix the comma. It seems to put a break where one isn't needed… I've noted that your writing tends to have more pausing/breaking, so I prefer to leave that alone where I might change it in my writing. I feel pretty strongly on this one though, so I figured I'd mention it.
runs – and he runs so fast his chest is burning and he's gasping for breath - he can never catch up.
Again, small nitpick—the consistency of the dash… the "–". Second one is only a hyphen. It's kinda hard to tell until you get it into the right font. XD
And Sanji is running, running very fast but with his head down, eyes fixed on the ground Because he’s following a trail of blood, crimson and splotchy on the dark cobble stones.
Un-capitalize "because"
Again, her tone said clearly even as her words did not.
I think maybe—for maximum clarity—a little something more should happen to the "Again" here to set it apart from the rest of the sentence. (Or maybe I had a dense moment…) What I mean is—I just spent a minute looking back, trying to figure out where Robin had said something with her tone and not her words, and what that was. Then when I couldn't find it, I realized the Again was the thing itself being said with her tone. Hm.
Maybe I was just easily confused, I don't know. (<--hates to feel pushy)
Also, I think maybe…instead of "as", a "though" or a "when" would be preferable.
Since they'd gotten this far, there was bound to be at least a few strong fighters on board.
"there were" instead of "there was", because the number of strong fighters is plural.
Brook clicked his fingerbones together as if to say "of course, how could I forget?".
I'm trying to decide if it's a British prose style to also have a period there. It's not American prose style as far as I know. I'd consult a British style book, but I don't have one… All I know is that Word does mark it, whether English U.K. or English U.S. Not that I put much stock in that program, it was the last thing I checked, actually… XD
Frankly since you use British spellings, I always worry a little I might be correcting something I shouldn't. XD;;;)
He gave each of them a sharp, weighing look. "And it doesn't look like the rest of you know it, either. So I say we do this."
I think it's clearer without the "it" after "the rest of you know". I.e., "And it doesn't look like the rest of you know, either."
"It" doesn't make sense to me as a replacement for the phrase "what else to do", which was in the earlier part of the dialogue.
I'd probably ignore it, but I keep stumbling over the word every time I read that section of dialogue. So, yeah…take it or leave it.
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Date: 2010-06-15 08:39 pm (UTC)I just changed "the commander of that island" to simply "the Marine commander", no longer remembering why I chose the other wording before. ;p
Sanji doesn't know how long he has before he starts crumbling, if things don't change very soon.
I can't decide if it's just my preference on this, but I'd nix the comma. It seems to put a break where one isn't needed… I've noted that your writing tends to have more pausing/breaking, so I prefer to leave that alone where I might change it in my writing. I feel pretty strongly on this one though, so I figured I'd mention it.
Yeah, when I read the line in my head it feels like there should be a pause there, and it doesn't seem syntactically wrong from what I can see. But now that you mentioned it, there does seem something a bit off about the sentence. I still don't want to lose the comma outright, however (though I've dropped the one in the following line, if that's any consolation ;). I tried changing it to "Sanji doesn’t know how long he has before he starts crumbling, unless something changes soon." Is that any better, do you think? Or the same exact problem (maybe it even sounds worse)?
Again, her tone said clearly even as her words did not.
I think maybe—for maximum clarity—a little something more should happen to the "Again" here to set it apart from the rest of the sentence. (Or maybe I had a dense moment…) What I mean is—I just spent a minute looking back, trying to figure out where Robin had said something with her tone and not her words, and what that was. Then when I couldn't find it, I realized the Again was the thing itself being said with her tone. Hm.
Maybe I was just easily confused, I don't know.
No, I respect that - I can see why it would be confusing. I'd hoped putting the 'Again' in italics would make it clearer, but I guess it's not clear enough... How about, "Again, her tone added, even though her words did not"?
The period after question mark in Brook's line is green-marked in my Word checker, too. I just thought that was more logical when it comes to how quotations are usually handled in wirtten English. But I guess it looks cluttered, so I've removed the period, now. ^_^
no subject
Date: 2010-06-16 06:12 am (UTC)No, the change to "unless" fixes it perfectly!
No, I respect that - I can see why it would be confusing. I'd hoped putting the 'Again' in italics would make it clearer, but I guess it's not clear enough... How about, "Again, her tone added, even though her words did not"?
Haha, okay, I just figured out what went wrong there. And I knew something was wrong, I just couldn't figure out what. Your writing has never confused me like that anywhere before, so when I got that confused... it didn't make sense to me how that could happen. Now I get it.
I had already gone through and found some nitpicks before you posted to FF.Net, but since you did I wanted to make sure nothing had changed between the chapter there and the one here at LJ (it's a bad habit of mine, but there are indeed some very minor differences in some of the chapters of my story since I began crossposts to LJ. The original Word files I worked in? Don't even go there.)
So anyway, I copied both the LJ and FF.Net chapters into a Word table with two columns so I could compare them while finalizing my comments and nitpicks, and make sure I didn't pick out anything that had been corrected/changed somewhere else (or at least, so that I would know and make a note of it.) And I think what happened is that when the text was copied, the italics didn't come with.
As long as the italics weren't critical to understanding, their loss wasn't noticeable. However, that again was the one place it really counted.
And when you said, "I'd hoped putting the 'Again' in italics would make it clearer,"
I went: "Italics...? There were...italics...?" *does the Luffy head-cock and frown*
...Aaaaand looking back at LJ and FF.Net, there were indeed italics. ..."Oh! So they're mystery italics!" ...yeaah. In short, never mind, it was indeed what I suspected: a dense moment. You can be sure I'll be careful about something like that from now on.
Change the rest of the sentence or leave it as-is and you're doing fine. Both should be equally clear as long as the italics are there. XD;;;;; (Try to prevent one problem and create another—figures.)
Finally....the period+quotation mark thing—the way I understand it, the question mark, and the exclamation mark, also, are powerful punctuation marks that will simply replace the period in this type of situation. Haha. Bullies.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-16 08:06 pm (UTC)...heh, that mystery joke never gets old. ;DDD Why are you so awesome, Luffy?
Bullies, indeed!
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Date: 2010-06-16 08:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 01:57 am (UTC)And the version here is better, "will change soon" sounds a bit awkward. XD;;;;; Just thought maybe you'd like to know.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 08:01 am (UTC)Incidentally, may I friend you?
And an unrelated question: if I get back to you with any additional thoughts and possible nitpicks on Chapter 7 of PoSM, would you mind if I posted them on LJ rather than ffnet?
no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 04:04 pm (UTC)I mean...
"Sure!" Admittedly I sometimes wish to friend people, (I can friend you back, right?) but I really have no clue how most people feel about that or what kind of etiquette there is, so for now, remain a recluse. Ah well. I'm very good at it when I deem it necessary. In RL, I have a very hard time talking to people openly unless I've gotten to know them. I get comments like, "you know, you seem a lot funnier this semester..." xD
And no, I don't mind if you post to LJ. I only say I "prefer" input to FF.Net because it's more familiar to me, and it's fun to have the feedback pile up in one place. But if LJ is preferable for you, I'm totally okay with that. Any feedback is good feedback. :)
no subject
Date: 2010-06-18 04:52 pm (UTC)I'm not all that good at social bits in RL, either.
Hm, okay, maybe I should go with ffnet like before, then. I think the back-and-forth works easier with LJ, but OTOH, I do like being able to add to your review count.