Repost fic: Still There (re-write)
Jun. 2nd, 2008 01:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rainsometimesA few days ago ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tonko_ni posted a very lovely fic called "Granted" which I think everyone should read if they haven't already. Sooo good (sighs).
Reading it put me in mind of a shortfic of mine from awhile back that takes place the same time, in part. It's not nearly half that good but I thought it was OK, until I looked it up and realised I wasn't happy with the beginning and ending lines at all. Thus I felt prompted to make it at least a little less awkward.
I've been kinda hesitant about what to do with this re-write - maybe I should just quietly edit the old entry, as I've done with other minor tweakings and additions. After all, I haven't changed the dialogue, which is still the central part of this. Only the beginning and ending are changed. (And constructive criticism would still be very appreciated.) But it does feel subtly different to me now, not just somewhat tweaked and polished. So, what the hell, I'm making a new post after all.
Title: Still There
Word count: 332
Spoilers/setting: Set the night right after chapter 439
Rating: G, worksafe
Pairing: Luffy/Usopp
Disclaimer: The characters of One Piece were created and are owned by Eiichiro Oda. They are used here without permission. This fanfic may not be used for profit.
The brand new ship was rocked gently by the waves on this, its first night at sea. The sky was clear and bright with stars, and it would have made an excellent night for navigating, if only the crew had been large enough to handle night shifts as well. As it was, everyone but the look-out had gone to bed, and the ship was anchored to the sea bottom many hundreds of yards below. After a day full of excitement, the Thousand Sunny was taking its first bit of well-earned rest.
The men’s cabin was full of many different kinds of snoring. One after the other, they’d finally all fallen asleep, most of them long after midnight. But even now some of them kept waking up from time to time.
“Hey, Usopp?” came a mumble from somewhere in the cosy darkness.
“..Mmyeah?” said a drowsy voice from somewhere else.
“You still there?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Just checking.”
“…Hey, Luffy?”
“Yeah?”
“…This is your hand, isn’t it?”
“Umm…yes?”
A small sigh. ”Luffy, if you’ve got your hand right under my shoulder, then why do you need to ask if I’m here?”
“Heh heh…Just checking.” Luffy’s grin was almost audible in the darkness.
“Yeah, okay.” The warmth of an answering smile you also couldn’t see. “That’s good. I’m just checking, too.”
“Okay.”
Usopp turned in his wooden hammock, shifting position, but didn’t let go of Luffy’s hand. He put it under his cheek like one might do with one’s own hand, trying to sleep.
“Not letting you go,” he murmured very very quietly.
“Huh? Whaddya say?”
“Nothing. G’night, Luffy.”
“G’night, Usopp.”
Luffy rolled over in his hammock too, not trying to pull back his hand. There were a few mighty yawns, and then soon even more noisy snoring.
Tomorrow they’d haul the anchor and unfurl the sails and keep moving forward. And there would be lots of things to do. But tonight, they’d make do with the adventures in their dreams, where another ship was already waiting.
tonko_ni posted a very lovely fic called "Granted" which I think everyone should read if they haven't already. Sooo good (sighs). Reading it put me in mind of a shortfic of mine from awhile back that takes place the same time, in part. It's not nearly half that good but I thought it was OK, until I looked it up and realised I wasn't happy with the beginning and ending lines at all. Thus I felt prompted to make it at least a little less awkward.
I've been kinda hesitant about what to do with this re-write - maybe I should just quietly edit the old entry, as I've done with other minor tweakings and additions. After all, I haven't changed the dialogue, which is still the central part of this. Only the beginning and ending are changed. (And constructive criticism would still be very appreciated.) But it does feel subtly different to me now, not just somewhat tweaked and polished. So, what the hell, I'm making a new post after all.
Title: Still There
Word count: 332
Spoilers/setting: Set the night right after chapter 439
Rating: G, worksafe
Pairing: Luffy/Usopp
Disclaimer: The characters of One Piece were created and are owned by Eiichiro Oda. They are used here without permission. This fanfic may not be used for profit.
The brand new ship was rocked gently by the waves on this, its first night at sea. The sky was clear and bright with stars, and it would have made an excellent night for navigating, if only the crew had been large enough to handle night shifts as well. As it was, everyone but the look-out had gone to bed, and the ship was anchored to the sea bottom many hundreds of yards below. After a day full of excitement, the Thousand Sunny was taking its first bit of well-earned rest.
The men’s cabin was full of many different kinds of snoring. One after the other, they’d finally all fallen asleep, most of them long after midnight. But even now some of them kept waking up from time to time.
“Hey, Usopp?” came a mumble from somewhere in the cosy darkness.
“..Mmyeah?” said a drowsy voice from somewhere else.
“You still there?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Just checking.”
“…Hey, Luffy?”
“Yeah?”
“…This is your hand, isn’t it?”
“Umm…yes?”
A small sigh. ”Luffy, if you’ve got your hand right under my shoulder, then why do you need to ask if I’m here?”
“Heh heh…Just checking.” Luffy’s grin was almost audible in the darkness.
“Yeah, okay.” The warmth of an answering smile you also couldn’t see. “That’s good. I’m just checking, too.”
“Okay.”
Usopp turned in his wooden hammock, shifting position, but didn’t let go of Luffy’s hand. He put it under his cheek like one might do with one’s own hand, trying to sleep.
“Not letting you go,” he murmured very very quietly.
“Huh? Whaddya say?”
“Nothing. G’night, Luffy.”
“G’night, Usopp.”
Luffy rolled over in his hammock too, not trying to pull back his hand. There were a few mighty yawns, and then soon even more noisy snoring.
Tomorrow they’d haul the anchor and unfurl the sails and keep moving forward. And there would be lots of things to do. But tonight, they’d make do with the adventures in their dreams, where another ship was already waiting.
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no subject
Date: 2008-06-01 02:20 pm (UTC)For crit, the only thing that jumped out at me was the the Sunny doesn't have hammocks really, it has wooden bunks. Though they are hanging and not bolted down and they're described as wooden hammocks on the schematics (http://onepiece.wikia.com/wiki/Image:Thousand_Sunny_pg.186-187.jpg), so I suppose you could go either way, just that hammocks for me means the soft cloth/rope kind.
Aside from the I just realized I don't have you noted as my beta on Granted. OMFG, I'm so sorry, that was very rude of me, and I'm going to go fix it now. Also, I suck for not having replied to the Franky/Usopp email (very short version: Your Franky voice is totally excellent and hilarious XDD SUPER!!!).
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Date: 2008-06-01 02:31 pm (UTC)Oh yeah, thanks for pointing out it should be wooden bunks. I'm, uh, pretty sure I knew that at some point writing this - but it doesn't seem to have made its way to the page. :O Changed to "wooden hammock" now!
Aside from the I just realized I don't have you noted as my beta on Granted. OMFG, I'm so sorry, that was very rude of me, and I'm going to go fix it now.
Heh, I wasn't taking it badly since I didn't actually do much beta to speak of. XD Mainly just "THIS IS SO GREAT POST IT NOW" style of thing. ^_^
Also, I suck for not having replied to the Franky/Usopp email (very short version: Your Franky voice is totally excellent and hilarious XDD SUPER!!!).
No worries - but that's great to know, thanks! Er, should I expect a long version of that?
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Date: 2008-06-01 03:39 pm (UTC)And you DID help, so THERE. :P Accept it, missy!
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Date: 2008-06-02 02:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-02 03:09 pm (UTC)I'm very glad you still like it!! ^_^
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Date: 2008-06-03 12:19 am (UTC)At the rate you're going you could write anything IO userally dislike and I would adore it.
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Date: 2008-06-03 03:10 pm (UTC)Though this makes me curious: what do you dislike, may I ask? 'Cause I've yet to see you rant/grumble about any pairing or other type of content, and you seem to have pretty catholic in your tastes (something I rather admire, btw).
Uh...not that I'm planning to take you up on that challenge, that would be rather rude...just wondering. ;)
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Date: 2008-06-03 08:56 pm (UTC)Well I got stages. I am indifference and thus don't go looking for Nami/Zoro/Sanji. I am fine and enjoy Zoro/Luffy and Luffy/Nami drabbles but long multi chapter fic annoys me and I don't read them. Zoro/Sanji bothers me cause it makes me feel like I'm drowning in it.
On the other hand I'll read all those pairings if I trust the writer to be good enough at writing.
I will read and enjoy most sexual acts. Know exceptions are watersports, scat, gore, vore, and propably more that I haven't discovered yet.
I can read really messed up and squicky pairings just fine EXCEPT when the disturbed messed up pairing is insisted by the author to be happy fluffy and better/more moral then others. (I got burned badly by someone making one character into the sterotype of the emotionly malpulated/abused housewife who is too fucked in the head from the treatment to leave. The author then insisted it was healthy and happy fluffy relationship.)
99% of Mary Sues irrate me.
Usopp bashing pisses me off. Usopp getting praise and snuggles while Zoro/Sanji/Nami/whoever gets bashed makes me uncomftable.
I prefer Smoker/any good marine or Luffy to Smoker/Ace. Smoker/Ace fics that make Whitebeard the villian annoy me.
And I do rant and grumble about pairings but I do it on IM to close friends who know I'm just blowing off steam. Which reminds me, do you have a instant messager you use?
EDIT: Just remembered. What did you mean by catholic in taste? And since I am cursious about you as well, wanna tell me what you disliike in fics? (other then power abuse.)
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Date: 2008-06-04 04:01 pm (UTC)No instant messager, sorry - it's but one of many aspects of the wonderful world of Internet I've never mastered. ;)
By catholic in taste I mean small-c catholic as in "general, wide-encompassing, including a wide variety of things". (Not Roman Catholic ;p)
I seem to agree with most or maybe even all of your points above, though I'm adding a lot more since I'm way pickier. ;) Even though Nami is one of the few people I can easily see with Luffy, I agree with you re multichapter fics for them. Maybe I just don't see the potential for conflict there. Or maybe it's the whole "singling someone out as much more important to Luffy than the others" I don't agree with. (Slightly more important I could go along with, but not much.)
I guess for me pairings I don't like tend to come in three or four categories:
1. "Nah, I don't really see anything happening between those two, and if it did I don't think it would work" - Long list here (Sanji/Luffy for instance): but a good writer might still convince me otherwise.
2. "I don't WANT to see anything happening between those two, much less work - it makes me far too uncomfortable" - Like for instance: incest; sex between a younger character and older parental substitute character; sexual pairings with Chopper or other characters I personally think are too young; villain/victim pairings, like Kuro/Kaya (shudder)...Skeleton sex would probably squick me out as well.
3. Pairings with villains in it, at least with the really evil ones - I tend not to be too interested in those character's lovelives. Usually the other person deserves better, and even if not, I get all moralistic thinking "Bad Guys Should Not Get Nookie". ^_^
4. None of the above - there's just too much of it. Zoro/Sanji goes here, as with you - and I guess Smoker/Ace as well. (I quite adored the Smoker/Ace Pern AU fic by
Don't like rapefics. Rape fantasies might be okay, or might still disturb me - don't know as I've never tried reading one. At times I have trouble with forceful seductions as well, if I suspect that the seductee might not actually feel that great about it in the morning, no matter how great the sex is or how much the author insists otherwise (depending on characters and situations).
I dislike Luffy/Zoro as a physical pairing. On the other hand I'm very sceptical of any fic in which (Insert Character Here) means more to Zoro than Luffy does. Though that goes for Usopp as well - and probably Nami, too.
I'd be either disbelieving or very uncomfortable about a pairing where Luffy is clearly submissive. Bottom, yes, that's quite okay. Submissive, hell no.
Generally speaking, I tend to be less likely to accept a pairing where there's a significant gap in age and/or maturity, though I'm not always consistent about this. (No trouble at all with Nami/Robin, for instance.)
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Date: 2008-06-05 12:33 am (UTC)You interest me. Any hope of being able to read that some day?
No instant messager, sorry - it's but one of many aspects of the wonderful world of Internet I've never mastered. ;)
Awwwww. At least we can still comment to each other! :D
By catholic in taste I mean small-c catholic as in "general, wide-encompassing, including a wide variety of things". (Not Roman Catholic ;p)
Aaaaah well that is true!
3. And here I very much differ from you. I would adore some well written Crocodile porn. As I can be very shallow and he is very visual pleasing to my pants.
4.
I dislike Luffy/Zoro as a physical pairing. On the other hand I'm very sceptical of any fic in which (Insert Character Here) means more to Zoro than Luffy does. Though that goes for Usopp as well - and probably Nami, too.
This is feeding my vague urge to write either Asexual!Luffy pairing fic or the Zoro/Usopp/Nami/Luffy foursome ficlets thingies
Also, I could probably buy Kuina, Bellemaire and/or Najoriko (spelt her name wrong) being more important or as equaly important to Zoro and Nami as Luffy is. (I also like to think that they would give up their dreams/abandom their other important people for Luffy only because Luffy would never ever ever ask them too because he loves them too much. And he would then make damn sure that they never would have to face that choice.)
I kinda want to say Usopp's parents are as important to him as Luffy is but we don't really see that in the manga. It is only vaguely implied.
I'd be either disbelieving or very uncomfortable about a pairing where Luffy is clearly submissive. Bottom, yes, that's quite okay. Submissive, hell no.
YES. THIS. This is truth!
Also, utterly random but I find it hilarious that Zoro joins the females in that his most influencing person growing up was a woman. All the other guys had men. (Except I feel Usopp's is debatable.)
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Date: 2008-06-05 03:59 pm (UTC)(struggles with curiosity and loses) All right, I'll bite. Who are the other great Smoker/Ace writers?
This is feeding my vague urge to write either Asexual!Luffy pairing fic or the Zoro/Usopp/Nami/Luffy foursome ficlets thingies
Oh my. I think both of those sound really interesting.
You're right: I was being too sweeping about the not-more-important-than-Luffy deal. Should have specified I meant characters romantically involved with Zoro (or Usopp, or Nami) in certain fics. And I should also have added "right now", because after all who knows how things may stand in the future?
only because Luffy would never ever ever ask them too because he loves them too much. And he would then make damn sure that they never would have to face that choice.
(nods) Very very true. Unless he was knocked out of course.
Heh, too right about Zoro's past! Maybe that's mysteriously related to him not (apparently) going for women. ^_^ Usopp's might be debatable because in his case his father is more an imagined presence than a real, remembered one (he might have some early memories of him, but they don't show up in a flashback).
Also, before Brook joined Zoro and Usopp stood out in being the only strawhats who didn't have beloved parental figures sacrificing themselves in some ways for them (from Shanks' arm to Tom's execution). Banchina didn't die to save Usopp: she just died.
You interest me. Any hope of being able to read that some day?
I do?? (perks up, but then gets embarrassed at the state of said draft) Er...it's pretty far from being postable at the moment, though. I could send it to you privately I guess, but that's assuming you want to look at a rough draft. Think carefully before you answer. ^_^
no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 09:09 pm (UTC):D Well I feel flattered now!
And yes he really did.
Ever read
I fully agree on Lucci and CP9. (Hmmmm, Kaku/Jyabura/Kalifa. Soooo pretty.)
(struggles with curiosity and loses) All right, I'll bite. Who are the other great Smoker/Ace writers?
I think Sans sometimes does that too but I can't recall off hand.
You're right: I was being too sweeping about the not-more-important-than-Luffy deal. Should have specified I meant characters romantically involved with Zoro (or Usopp, or Nami) in certain fics. And I should also have added "right now", because after all who knows how things may stand in the future?
In that case. I definatly agree.
(nods) Very very true. Unless he was knocked out of course.
How exactly do you make the smaller text size? that is so cool!
Heh, too right about Zoro's past! Maybe that's mysteriously related to him not (apparently) going for women.
[nods] As in Zoro decided the only woman for him is Kuina and he will have no other? (Which leave wide open the possible of him finding a man for himself.)
Usopp's might be debatable because in his case his father is more an imagined presence than a real, remembered one (he might have some early memories of him, but they don't show up in a flashback).
Usopp is interesting in that he is different from everyone else in that he tramatic past is defended by a lack of a person instead of a person being there (And then dieing). As well as his dream being entirely internal as oppossed to everyone else having outward dreams.
This is also why I liked Toddler Trouble despite the sheer lack of logic, the numberous typos, and the borderline rampant OOC. Usopp's first reaction to meeting his dad for the first time in years was a punch to the face. He then stated to Luffy (I am paraphrasing here) that he had planned on greating Yasopp positively but when he saw him all Usopp could think of was the abandoment feelings and the loneiness and his mom dieing cause dad was not there and thus punch to the face. I thought that was such an intriguing lin of thought and wish she had delved more into it.
I do?? (perks up, but then gets embarrassed at the state of said draft) Er...it's pretty far from being postable at the moment, though. I could send it to you privately I guess, but that's assuming you want to look at a rough draft. Think carefully before you answer. ^_^
As long as you don't expect any crit other then icreadably happy squee I would totally dig reading anything and everything you write.
Oh my. I think both of those sound really interesting.
The Z/N/L/U is techincally two. One which is rampant sexy strip dancing and the other is Nami centric dealing with her nightmares.
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Date: 2008-06-09 03:22 pm (UTC)Yep, she's brilliant!!! I pretty much consider her Like Steel For Chocolate the definitive Zoro/Sanji fic for me, so much so that it doesn't feel like I have much need to read anymore after that one (though of course I have, some). And her fic Cold Dish is among my very favourite serious gen epic dramatic fics (if that's a genre;). And I also like quite a few shorter fics she's done. I haven't really looked at her CP9 stuff, though - like I said, I only like that stuff now and then, in short pieces, and even so I don't go looking for it. (I did look at her Zoro/Kaku fic(s) and had no real trouble with the interaction between those two - but I couldn't quite accept the idea of Kaku as a Strawhat.)
Also, if you read Manic's Lucci/Paulie stuff, be wary cause she tends to have Lucci in half cat to full cat form.
Okay. I'm not sure that would trouble me, honestly - since it's Lucci I'm not too likely to read it in any case.
How exactly do you make the smaller text size? that is so cool!
I put 'small' inside HTML brackets <> (without the quote marks) and then end with '/small' inside brackets. Got it from liveJournal's formatting advice. If I do the same with 'big' it looks like this but I can't get the really big fonts I've seen in some posts.
As in Zoro decided the only woman for him is Kuina and he will have no other?
Well, I haven't really thought it out, but could be. Or maybe Zoro was always going to turn out pretty much non-straight (whether asexual or gay), and that miight have been why it was easier for him to bond with his female rival. (speculating wildly)
I haven't read "Toddler Trouble", but I can easily imagine that when Usopp finally meets his father he (Usopp) might not be quite as positive about it as he probably thinks he'll be. Though I have trouble seeing it as going as far as a punc to the face, at least as the first thing. Maybe if they talk for awhile and Yasopp keeps saying the wrong thing...I do feel that Usopp probably has no real idea what he'll say when Yasopp asks about how his mother is doing, assuming he does ask that. I have a feeling Usopp may actually try to lie about things at first and try to pretend she's doing fine, though he wouldn't be able to hold the mask for long. (Though I don't think any of the other strawhats know for sure that his mother is dead.)
The Z/N/L/U is techincally two. One which is rampant sexy strip dancing and the other is Nami centric dealing with her nightmares.
It continues to sound quite, quite cool.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-10 03:58 am (UTC)Hmmmm, wonder if I did it right?
Well, I haven't really thought it out, but could be. Or maybe Zoro was always going to turn out pretty much non-straight (whether asexual or gay), and that miight have been why it was easier for him to bond with his female rival. (speculating wildly)
Oooo, I could buy that premisise.
I haven't read "Toddler Trouble", but I can easily imagine that when Usopp finally meets his father he (Usopp) might not be quite as positive about it as he probably thinks he'll be. Though I have trouble seeing it as going as far as a punc to the face, at least as the first thing. Maybe if they talk for awhile and Yasopp keeps saying the wrong thing...I do feel that Usopp probably has no real idea what he'll say when Yasopp asks about how his mother is doing, assuming he does ask that. I have a feeling Usopp may actually try to lie about things at first and try to pretend she's doing fine, though he wouldn't be able to hold the mask for long. (Though I don't think any of the other strawhats know for sure that his mother is dead.)
That sounds like a glorious idea for a character study fic.
It continues to sound quite, quite cool.
ahaha thanks.
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Date: 2008-06-02 03:57 pm (UTC)“Not letting you go,” he murmured very very quietly...too sweet and somehow it made my heart hurt... your usopp really touching my heart...
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Date: 2008-06-02 04:29 pm (UTC)That's probably my favourite line, too. Although now I realise I forgot to put the "you" in italics...I hope you still like it. ;)
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Date: 2008-06-03 08:01 am (UTC)no subject
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