Repost fic: Still There (re-write)
Jun. 2nd, 2008 01:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rainsometimesA few days ago ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tonko_ni posted a very lovely fic called "Granted" which I think everyone should read if they haven't already. Sooo good (sighs).
Reading it put me in mind of a shortfic of mine from awhile back that takes place the same time, in part. It's not nearly half that good but I thought it was OK, until I looked it up and realised I wasn't happy with the beginning and ending lines at all. Thus I felt prompted to make it at least a little less awkward.
I've been kinda hesitant about what to do with this re-write - maybe I should just quietly edit the old entry, as I've done with other minor tweakings and additions. After all, I haven't changed the dialogue, which is still the central part of this. Only the beginning and ending are changed. (And constructive criticism would still be very appreciated.) But it does feel subtly different to me now, not just somewhat tweaked and polished. So, what the hell, I'm making a new post after all.
Title: Still There
Word count: 332
Spoilers/setting: Set the night right after chapter 439
Rating: G, worksafe
Pairing: Luffy/Usopp
Disclaimer: The characters of One Piece were created and are owned by Eiichiro Oda. They are used here without permission. This fanfic may not be used for profit.
The brand new ship was rocked gently by the waves on this, its first night at sea. The sky was clear and bright with stars, and it would have made an excellent night for navigating, if only the crew had been large enough to handle night shifts as well. As it was, everyone but the look-out had gone to bed, and the ship was anchored to the sea bottom many hundreds of yards below. After a day full of excitement, the Thousand Sunny was taking its first bit of well-earned rest.
The men’s cabin was full of many different kinds of snoring. One after the other, they’d finally all fallen asleep, most of them long after midnight. But even now some of them kept waking up from time to time.
“Hey, Usopp?” came a mumble from somewhere in the cosy darkness.
“..Mmyeah?” said a drowsy voice from somewhere else.
“You still there?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Just checking.”
“…Hey, Luffy?”
“Yeah?”
“…This is your hand, isn’t it?”
“Umm…yes?”
A small sigh. ”Luffy, if you’ve got your hand right under my shoulder, then why do you need to ask if I’m here?”
“Heh heh…Just checking.” Luffy’s grin was almost audible in the darkness.
“Yeah, okay.” The warmth of an answering smile you also couldn’t see. “That’s good. I’m just checking, too.”
“Okay.”
Usopp turned in his wooden hammock, shifting position, but didn’t let go of Luffy’s hand. He put it under his cheek like one might do with one’s own hand, trying to sleep.
“Not letting you go,” he murmured very very quietly.
“Huh? Whaddya say?”
“Nothing. G’night, Luffy.”
“G’night, Usopp.”
Luffy rolled over in his hammock too, not trying to pull back his hand. There were a few mighty yawns, and then soon even more noisy snoring.
Tomorrow they’d haul the anchor and unfurl the sails and keep moving forward. And there would be lots of things to do. But tonight, they’d make do with the adventures in their dreams, where another ship was already waiting.
tonko_ni posted a very lovely fic called "Granted" which I think everyone should read if they haven't already. Sooo good (sighs). Reading it put me in mind of a shortfic of mine from awhile back that takes place the same time, in part. It's not nearly half that good but I thought it was OK, until I looked it up and realised I wasn't happy with the beginning and ending lines at all. Thus I felt prompted to make it at least a little less awkward.
I've been kinda hesitant about what to do with this re-write - maybe I should just quietly edit the old entry, as I've done with other minor tweakings and additions. After all, I haven't changed the dialogue, which is still the central part of this. Only the beginning and ending are changed. (And constructive criticism would still be very appreciated.) But it does feel subtly different to me now, not just somewhat tweaked and polished. So, what the hell, I'm making a new post after all.
Title: Still There
Word count: 332
Spoilers/setting: Set the night right after chapter 439
Rating: G, worksafe
Pairing: Luffy/Usopp
Disclaimer: The characters of One Piece were created and are owned by Eiichiro Oda. They are used here without permission. This fanfic may not be used for profit.
The brand new ship was rocked gently by the waves on this, its first night at sea. The sky was clear and bright with stars, and it would have made an excellent night for navigating, if only the crew had been large enough to handle night shifts as well. As it was, everyone but the look-out had gone to bed, and the ship was anchored to the sea bottom many hundreds of yards below. After a day full of excitement, the Thousand Sunny was taking its first bit of well-earned rest.
The men’s cabin was full of many different kinds of snoring. One after the other, they’d finally all fallen asleep, most of them long after midnight. But even now some of them kept waking up from time to time.
“Hey, Usopp?” came a mumble from somewhere in the cosy darkness.
“..Mmyeah?” said a drowsy voice from somewhere else.
“You still there?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Just checking.”
“…Hey, Luffy?”
“Yeah?”
“…This is your hand, isn’t it?”
“Umm…yes?”
A small sigh. ”Luffy, if you’ve got your hand right under my shoulder, then why do you need to ask if I’m here?”
“Heh heh…Just checking.” Luffy’s grin was almost audible in the darkness.
“Yeah, okay.” The warmth of an answering smile you also couldn’t see. “That’s good. I’m just checking, too.”
“Okay.”
Usopp turned in his wooden hammock, shifting position, but didn’t let go of Luffy’s hand. He put it under his cheek like one might do with one’s own hand, trying to sleep.
“Not letting you go,” he murmured very very quietly.
“Huh? Whaddya say?”
“Nothing. G’night, Luffy.”
“G’night, Usopp.”
Luffy rolled over in his hammock too, not trying to pull back his hand. There were a few mighty yawns, and then soon even more noisy snoring.
Tomorrow they’d haul the anchor and unfurl the sails and keep moving forward. And there would be lots of things to do. But tonight, they’d make do with the adventures in their dreams, where another ship was already waiting.
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no subject
Date: 2008-06-01 02:31 pm (UTC)Oh yeah, thanks for pointing out it should be wooden bunks. I'm, uh, pretty sure I knew that at some point writing this - but it doesn't seem to have made its way to the page. :O Changed to "wooden hammock" now!
Aside from the I just realized I don't have you noted as my beta on Granted. OMFG, I'm so sorry, that was very rude of me, and I'm going to go fix it now.
Heh, I wasn't taking it badly since I didn't actually do much beta to speak of. XD Mainly just "THIS IS SO GREAT POST IT NOW" style of thing. ^_^
Also, I suck for not having replied to the Franky/Usopp email (very short version: Your Franky voice is totally excellent and hilarious XDD SUPER!!!).
No worries - but that's great to know, thanks! Er, should I expect a long version of that?
no subject
Date: 2008-06-01 03:39 pm (UTC)And you DID help, so THERE. :P Accept it, missy!