Absence, part 5 (prev. 'Fine')
May. 18th, 2009 05:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rainsometimesTitle: Fine Absence, Chapter 5
Rating: PG
Pairing: None
Characters: All the Strawhats
Spoilers/setting: I think of this as taking place some time in the future, after the current arc (Impel Down) and other unknown future events.
Genre: Serious angst; deathfic
Summary/what has gone before: This fic comes from a prompt on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
op_fanforall asking for angstfic in which Luffy has to deal with Usopp being dead. He's not dealing with it very well, so far, in fact he's got a selective amnesia, forgetting Usopp ever existed. The rest of the crew feel they can't take this any more and have decided to turn the ship around and go back to the island where it happened, without Luffy's knowledge.
edit in Feb. 2010: Title change.
Previous parts: Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three,
Chapter Four.
Fic tag on Dreamwidth.
Note: Betaed bytonko and wendytigges, who are wonderful and severely cool. Any remaining errors are my fault alone. Constructive criticism and other feedback is highly encouraged.
Disclaimer: The characters and situations of One Piece were created by Eiichiro Oda and are owned by him and (I think) Shueisha Publications. They are used here without permission. This fanfic is to be read for entertainment only and is not used for profit.
Franky rubbed his bleary eyes and forced himself to put down his feet on the deck as he stumbled out of bed. He quickly glanced around, noting that some beds were empty and others weren’t, then stepped out onto the lawn deck and into the bright morning sun. Another fair day, as far as he could tell – there were some fluffy clouds far away, but they didn’t look too threatening. Still, Grand Line weather was treacherous, and Franky was no weather expert.
The weather expert was probably deeply asleep by now. Nami had seemed pretty damn wobbly already when Franky had turned in about four hours earlier. She’d insisted she would keep going until dawn, though, and had gone over again and again about exactly how the course should be held in relation to the sun’s position at different points during the morning.
Time to put that knowledge to use, then. Franky climbed the stairs leading to the helm from lawn deck, trying to ignore how heavy his feet felt. Maybe it was just lack of sleep and cola, but it definitely felt as if the bursts of energy he’d felt last night had run out. Sure, it still felt better than before, doing something that might just be right. But the numbness that had retreated last night was more or less back in place now.
Stop thinking. Just do. Franky grabbed the helm. Let’s see, how was it now…?
He glanced at the clock beside him. You had to know pretty much what time of the day it was if you wanted to navigate by the sun, so last night, he’d taken most accurate clock available on the ship from its place in the observatory, nailing it right next to the helm. Assuming the clock was in decent shape and still kept good time, the ship hadn’t drifted too much off course yet. Wouldn’t surprise Franky if the girls and Brook hadn’t gone to bed until right before he woke up. (Sanji had turned in at the same time as Franky.)
Franky pushed at the helm and felt Sunny turn below him. Then he just stood there for a while, listening to the ropes creaking, the waves splashing.
They’d finally started talking, yesterday, everyone but Luffy – and that was good, it needed doing. But the trouble with starting to talk about stuff was that it made you think more, too – made it harder to block things out.
So what do you think you’re doing, Franky-boy? asked a sardonic voice in the back of his head. Why the hell do you think you’re all looking forward to this so much? What do you think you’ll expect to find on that island?
“Shut up,” muttered Franky under his breath. “Leave it. Don’t wanna hear it.”
Do you really think trying your best to break Strawhat down is doing him a favour?
Franky just shook his head, then abruptly turned around and marched down the steps. Stupid self-critical thoughts trying to trip you up. He’d had enough of them…
You do know what you’re really looking forward to, right? All of you. A place to get off the ship and safely go to pieces – yes, safely, despite enemies. To stop being so damn calm and reasonable.
Mechanically, he went up the steps to second deck towards the galley, trying hard not to listen, neither to the dry voice in his head nor to the sound-memories of clunky shoes coming up on the steps right behind him, of an eager, cheerful voice calling his name.
“Hey Franky, what are you doing? What’s this called? How’s it work? Hey, I got an idea for something we could make, wanna hear it? Look at this! Pretty good, huh? ‘Course it is, I made it! …Hey, Franky, you okay? Did you ever hear about the time when I…”
He clenched his fists hard enough for cybernetic nails to dig into the palm, looking around wildly around for something lying around loose that it would be okay to break, then fix later. But he couldn’t find anything. For so long now he'd had the persistent feeling that if he only turned around in exactly the right way, it wouldn’t be a memory any more, it would be real… he'd tried hard to push the feeling away, futile as it was; and yet he didn't really want it gone.
He stepped into the energy room and filled himself up with cola, but the physical sensation of nourishment and strength didn’t make any difference to his emotions. Already he missed the numbness. And that was a very unsuper way of thinking, he knew.
Or maybe that’s not it, either. Yeah, now that he considered it – the fact that they were all going back, spirits lifted up, faces a lot lighter…
He stopped, freezing on the spot where he was. It’s as if we think it won’t be real if we go back. As if Nami had been hallucinating. As if we could turn back time.
Franky felt as if he was drowning, head spinning, vertigo and nausea riding him in hot, powerful waves. He gasped for breath and had to grab the railing in order to steady himself, actually feeling close to fainting. No, no, no…
…no, no… yes.
***
Breakfast, Franky discovered after he managed to get a hold of himself, enter the galley and sit down, turned to be a rather subdued affair. Not surprisingly, Nami, Robin and Brook were all sleeping in. Everyone else ate fairly quietly, trying not to watch Luffy too closely.
As for Strawhat, he was eating just as quickly and messily as usual, but he wasn’t talking much either. Franky found himself only putting up token protests at Luffy’s usual stealing from his plates, and noticed much the same behaviour in the others. Yeah, they were all feeling guilty enough to be nicer to their captain, he was guessing.
Franky had learned that you couldn’t really guess anything of Strawhat’s mood from mealtimes. No matter how grim or sad a situation might be, Luffy practically always ate, and ate a lot, usually getting happy at the mere sight of food. True, there had been a handful of occasions when Luffy’s good mood had seemed to evaporate as soon as he ran out of food, but before that he’d consume his meal just as vigorously as he normally did.
And yet… well, possibly it might just be Franky’s super-vivid imagination, but it seemed to him as if there was a particular franticness to Luffy’s eating today. He seemed to be even more ravenous than usual. There was a blank look in his eyes and a sense of being hunted in his movements, as if something else other than just hunger was driving him. If he’d already asked about the new course of the ship or the absent, sleeping crew members, Franky hadn’t caught it and was unable to guess. Well, no news was good news, he supposed.
Somehow he did wind up feeling just a bit better at the end of breakfast. Maybe it was due to the truly super qualities of Eyebrow-Bro’s cooking, or just seeing most of his crewmates again – sure, they were all tense, but at least they were tense together. And while Luffy’s demeanour was a bit unnerving, it was still a bit of relief from the forced bubbliness they’d seen all too much of lately.
Ever so slowly, Franky felt just a bit of last night’s good mood return, though more cautious and reined in than before. He shoved his latest forebodings away. They weren’t delusional, they weren’t. It would get better. Yeah.
*
“Hey, Sanji, is Nami sick or something?”
Sanji took a deep breath – here it comes – and a deep puff on his cigarette before he turned around to meet Luffy’s eyes in what he hoped was a calm, casual fashion. “Nah,” he said. “She’s sleeping in today ‘cause she stayed up late last night. She wanted to try sailing the ship at night.”
Luffy screwed up his eyes. “Really? Wow, why didn’t you wake me? I woulda wanted to do that, too!”
Sanji gave him a lopsided smile, leaning himself towards the outside wall of the galley from its starboard side, where the two of them were standing. “Well, she might do it again tonight, if – if she felt like it.” Better not mention the need for starlight yet, since Luffy might ask why you couldn’t just follow the log pose. “You can always stay up and help if you want.”
“That’s great!” Luffy grinned. “I’m the best night-sailor around, after all, so you’d definitely need me! I’ve sailed at night sooo many times, I can do it with my eyes closed!”
Sanji twitched, his smile turning wooden. “Okay, good, then,” he managed to mumble, then inhaled too deeply and started coughing. Luffy looked relieved as he perched himself on the railing.
“But…” Luffy was frowning again, “if she’s not sick… maybe there’s something wrong with the log pose? Or – or, wait! Sanji, are there islands that can move around?”
Sanji raised his eyebrow. “Move around? Why?”
Luffy pointed up towards the sky. “The sky’s all weird, right? The sun’s in the wrong place! So we’ve turned around! …You know, if the island we’re going to is moving around, that would be pretty cool,” he added seriously.
“I’ve never heard of real islands that can move,” said Sanji. “Not on the Blue Sea,” he amended after a moment’s pause. Skypiea with its Upper Yard was different, drifting to and fro wherever the Whitewhite Sea took it. “Thriller Bark was really a very big ship, not an island. But on the Grand Line… who knows? Maybe there is one.” Well, that was misleading, but not actually lying.
“Oh. Okay.” Luffy looked like he wanted to say something more, but then just nodded and slid down from the railing, sitting down crosslegged. Sanji sat down on deck as well, where the sun had warmed the planks up quite nicely for hours. He leaned against the wall to the galley, lit up a new cigarette and started smoking it slowly, closing his eyes.
“I had a real weird dream last night,” Luffy said slowly. Sanji opened his eyes, surprised. That wasn’t the kind of remark Luffy would usually make.
“Yeah?” he said in a mildly curious tone. Luffy was frowning now, looking puzzled as he crossed his arms and looked down at the floor.
“Yep! A real weird and stupid one!” Then he looked up at Sanji, determined, “But I’m not going to run away from it again! Next time I dream something like that, I’ll just make it so it’s the right ship.” He nodded firmly, then uncrossed his arms again and lay himself down on his back on the deck.
“Uh… okay.” Sanji had nothing to add to that.
Luffy didn’t say anything else either. He looked up at the deep blue sky and the few small clouds drifting through it, a faraway look on his face. Slowly, he brought one hand up and moved it in small circles on his chest, his fingers rubbing gently, as if there was something there that chafed him.
After a few quiet minutes, Sanji found himself saying out of nowhere, “Hey, Luffy… do you remember…” – he noticed Luffy stiffening at that, ever so slightly, and quickly continued – “do you remember back at the shitty restaurant when you wanted me to join and at first I didn’t want to?”
This wasn’t something he’d planned on saying at all, but that old memory had just turned up in his head. It occurred to him that since the memory had nothing to do with Usopp maybe Luffy wouldn’t think to defend himself from it.
Luffy was quiet for a few moments, still staring up, then nodded. “Uh-huh! Yep, I remember that! You were being stupid!”
“Hey, I don’t need to hear that shit from you,” drawled Sanji in mock anger. “But,” he said more seriously again – and it felt just slightly odd, that he was able to talk so easily about this, which he normally never did – “do you remember why I said I didn’t want to, even though I kinda did? ‘Cause of, you know, being indebted to the shitty old man and all.” He blew out a bunch of smoke rings and glanced over at Luffy again. “Remember that?”
Luffy didn’t move his head to meet Sanji’s gaze, and he didn’t say anything either. He kept looking up into the sky, one arm holding the other; then nodded.
Sanji went on in a rather low voice, “And then during the battle, when I couldn’t fight ‘cause the shitty old man had a gun to his head and I couldn’t stop standing up, either – you were yelling to me that I wouldn’t repay any debt through dying. That he didn’t save me so I could go die – that doing that would be shitty of me, or something like that. Anyway… you know, I was thinking something. You could have just told me to forget about all that, you know.”
Luffy rolled over and sat up, frowning in puzzlement and maybe also reproach. “Huh? Why would I do that?”
“Only makes sense, doesn’t it?” Sanji tilted his head to one side in a would-be persuasive manner. “To forget what he did for me as if it never happened. Then I wouldn’t have had any reason to stay, either. I’d be able to go with you without even thinking about it.”
“Hey! That’s all wrong!” Luffy looked pretty worked up, now. “That restaurant guy lost his leg for you so you wouldn’t starve! You – you can’t forget that, Sanji! Not ever!!”
Sanji gave him a flat, level look. “But I might feel better, if I did. Hell, could be the shitty old man would even feel better if I did. Wouldn’t have had to look at me going about all moping and shit.”
“No, no, no! No way!” Luffy was smacking his palm into the deck loudly, shaking his head wildly to and fro. “That’s all wrong! If you do that, then, then it would be like if I forgot when Shanks lost his arm! And I don’t want to forget that! I can’t forget that, it would be – it would be all wrong if I did!”
Sanji waved one hand placatingly, “Look, calm down, okay? I was only – wait, what?” He dropped his cigarette, picked it up and stared back at Luffy, nearly matching Luffy’s intensity. “What was that – you mean Redhair Shanks? He lost an arm?”
Luffy nodded, hugging himself and sitting back slightly. “Uh-huh! When I was a kid and was drowning.” He drew in a breath. “There was a sea monster there that attacked me,” he said, more calmly. “But Shanks jumped in and saved me, and then it bit off his arm.”
“Shit – !” Sanji whispered. “You’re not kidding me?” Luffy shook his head, looking very serious. “So you’re saying – you’re saying Redhair Shanks, one of the four Emperors of the Sea, lost his arm to save you? Shit, no wonder you defended him against your grandpa!”
“Yeah,” said Luffy, a lot calmer now. “That’s when I decided I’d be King of the Pirates one day. And he left his hat to me when I told him so. So that I’d give it back to him one day after I’d made it happen.”
“Oh,” said Sanji quietly. “So that’s why you were so mad, back then at the restaurant.”
Luffy only nodded, then went on, “And that’s why I have to follow my dream no matter what. He - he didn’t lose his arm so I could just get stupid and stop!” He looked absolutely convinced of what he was saying, yet now he was trembling, too, as he kept staring at Sanji with wide eyes. His fingers were making small rubbing circles over his chest, again.
Sanji couldn’t stop staring. How the hell could it be that now Luffy suddenly seemed almost closer than ever, while at the same time he was still so goddamn distant? How did he do it? He wanted to reach out to him, but he didn’t know what he’d do, then. What he’d say. It didn’t seem safe. And Luffy might push him away.
Then Sanji started violently: “Wait a minute!” he exclaimed. “Redhair Shanks lost his arm when you were little? I didn’t know that! And then he went on to become one of the four Emperors? But then – then…” He all but shouted, “…Then what the hell did the old man think he was doing, giving up his dream like that? He could have sailed back into the Grand Line with just one leg, damnit!” Wait… this was a complete side-track, not something he should go on about right now… Except we’re all crippled now…
Luffy just shrugged, a good deal less intense than before. “I guess he didn’t want it bad enough. Maybe he liked the restaurant better.”
“Yeah, right,” muttered Sanji. “More like he didn’t want to bring a ten-year-old brat into the Grand Line and couldn’t find a way to get rid of him.” Of course, that must be it. He took a deep puff of his cigarette, his thoughts sorted out again. The old guilt felt better than fresh, confused anger. Getting side-tracked like that was stupid.
“Anyway,” said Luffy, “it’s not like you can just tell people to forget and they’ll do it! That’s just stupid, too!” But he gave up his serious look, grinning widely. “Unless they’re hypnotised or something, yeah!”
“I guess,” mumbled Sanji, hugging his knees. “You’d know, right? You keep falling for stuff like that…”
“Or maybe if some girl you liked told you to forget it, you would!” said Luffy, giving Sanji a bright look. “That’s like getting hypnotised for you! But I don’t think so, ‘cause Restaurant-guy is great! And his moustaches are really cool!”
Sanji gave him a quirky, helpless smile, at the same time wanting to ruffle his captain’s hair and kick him to the other end of the ship. Well… Luffy’s walls still held, as far as he could see. He doubted he’d even sown any seeds of doubt. But it had been worth a try.
“But… that weird girl with the paint…” said Luffy now, screwing up his face in thought and craning his neck waaaay to the side in the process. “She could do something like that, I bet.”
“Huh?”
“Back on that cool jungle island with the giants and dinosaurs! Geez, don’t you remember, Sanji?” He looked reproachful now. “She was with that Candle-Fruit Three guy with a three on his head! I met him in Impel Down later!”
“Oh… yeah.” Sanji finally leaned back again, looking up into the sky. “On Little Garden, you mean. I wasn’t in that fight, idiot. I’d been off hunting and didn’t know where you guys were… wound up talking to Crocodile on a Dendenmushi and finding an Eternal Pose instead.” He’d heard accounts of the battle later, but he couldn’t remember anything about some enemy girl hypnotist. Mostly he’d felt horror at the thought of Nami and Vivi nearly becoming wax statues (and Mosshead too, he supposed), relief that they were actually okay, and self-reproach at having been absent.
“Oh… oh, yeah! Right! It was just me and Karoo against all of them! Man, that wasn’t easy! And that girl had weird powers, she could use paint to make you stop saving people or to make you have a picnic and stuff!”
“Just you and Karoo, right?” mumbled Sanji, feeling that now-familiar sickness again. He knew that wasn’t true, at least. That part, he’d heard a lot about afterwards. Confirmed by reliable witnesses, too.
“Yeah… Uh huh…” Luffy looked off to one side, drumming his fingers on the deck. The faraway look in his eyes from before was back.
Sanji swallowed, but made his face expressionless, his voice level and calm when he next spoke, barely glancing at Luffy. “How did you win that one, anyway?”
“Oh, I set the whole waxy candle thing on fire! With help from Karoo, ‘cause he put rope all over the place and then I lit it. It was my… my special rope…” Luffy slowed down, looking uncertain as he spoke, “…’cause I’d put oil on it, from…”
“From what?” Sanji’s voice was deliberately casual, hardly curious at all.
“From my bag, of course… Hey! Sanji!” Luffy looked urgent, all of a sudden. “Where’s my bag?”
“Your… what.” Sanji felt his face go pale, his body turning entirely still, momentarily forgetting to breathe. “Bag. What?” he managed to get out.
“Yeah, you know! This big” – Luffy gestured with his hand – “and it’s light brown, with a strap and stuff, and it’s got all these neat things in it, like… like oil, and ammunition, and all – all kinds of cool things…”
Sanji breathed in deeply, then slowly let the air out. This was good, he tried to tell himself. It was coming back. That had to be what it meant, right? It didn’t feel good, but…
“But…” he said very gently, “you fight with your hands and feet, Luffy. What do you want ammunition for?”
“Uh…” Luffy looked really confused now, staring at Sanji, then turned to look around him where they were sitting. “But… but it’s neat, and… it’s my bag!” he insisted, looking at Sanji pleadingly. “I know had one!”
Sanji sighed, giving up. “Okay, okay,” he said. “I know the one you mean. Sorry, Luffy. We lost it back on that last island.”
“We did? Oh. I didn’t know that.” Luffy blinked, then abruptly stood up, frowning again. “Oh. That’s no good,” he mumbled. Sanji held his breath. In a second Luffy might so very easily follow this up with something like “We can’t go back there”, meaning they were officially mutinying.
But Luffy didn’t say that. Instead, he just pushed his hat further down and slowly started to wander away, looking more puzzled than anything else.
A reprieve again, then. Sanji stubbed out his cigarette and threw it into the water, then got up and went back to the galley. The door to the girls’ cabin had moved a bit, just now, and he wanted to have their late breakfast ready and waiting.
Not long ago, he wouldn’t even have considered troubling Nami-baby and Robin-honey with something like an account of this conversation. But it was all different now – all broken, his inner voice said, all smashed up and falling apart – and if they were ever to get out of this desolate wilderness, they had to talk to each other. Keeping heavy secrets wasn’t going to cut it any more.
He also knew they were strong enough, even as he couldn't help always wanting to shield and protect them anyway. They’d probably just worry more, if he didn’t tell them. At least, Nami-baby would…
Besides, their intelligence and insight were sorely needed. And hopefully they might not hold it too much against him, if he were weak enough to lean on their support, for just an instant.
*
EDIT as of 3rd July, 2010: I've just discovered an error in this chapter in the scene between Luffy and Sanji. When re-reading One Piece volume 52, I noticed that in chapter 504, Silvers Rayleigh mentions that Shanks lost an arm 10 years ago and that it had something to do with Luffy. Sanji was present and would have heard that, and he doesn't seem the type to just forget intriguing facts like that, normally. So it’s not very logical that he’s so surprised here.
I was considering inserting a mental remark of Sanji's, something to the effect of, "Now that he thought about it, hadn't Silvers Rayleigh hinted at something like that, back when they first met him? Somehow, Sanji had managed to utterly forget about it until now - well, it was true they'd all been busy with other matters shortly thereafter..."
But in the end, I felt it would be a bit too blatantly obvious. So I’ll just cop to having goofed and hope for my readers' forebearance. Maybe we could say that Sanji really was less attentive or more forgetful than usual that day…? ;)
edit: The story continues in Chapter Six.
Rating: PG
Pairing: None
Characters: All the Strawhats
Spoilers/setting: I think of this as taking place some time in the future, after the current arc (Impel Down) and other unknown future events.
Genre: Serious angst; deathfic
Summary/what has gone before: This fic comes from a prompt on
op_fanforall asking for angstfic in which Luffy has to deal with Usopp being dead. He's not dealing with it very well, so far, in fact he's got a selective amnesia, forgetting Usopp ever existed. The rest of the crew feel they can't take this any more and have decided to turn the ship around and go back to the island where it happened, without Luffy's knowledge. edit in Feb. 2010: Title change.
Previous parts: Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three,
Chapter Four.
Fic tag on Dreamwidth.
Note: Betaed by
tonko and wendytigges, who are wonderful and severely cool. Any remaining errors are my fault alone. Constructive criticism and other feedback is highly encouraged.Disclaimer: The characters and situations of One Piece were created by Eiichiro Oda and are owned by him and (I think) Shueisha Publications. They are used here without permission. This fanfic is to be read for entertainment only and is not used for profit.
Franky rubbed his bleary eyes and forced himself to put down his feet on the deck as he stumbled out of bed. He quickly glanced around, noting that some beds were empty and others weren’t, then stepped out onto the lawn deck and into the bright morning sun. Another fair day, as far as he could tell – there were some fluffy clouds far away, but they didn’t look too threatening. Still, Grand Line weather was treacherous, and Franky was no weather expert.
The weather expert was probably deeply asleep by now. Nami had seemed pretty damn wobbly already when Franky had turned in about four hours earlier. She’d insisted she would keep going until dawn, though, and had gone over again and again about exactly how the course should be held in relation to the sun’s position at different points during the morning.
Time to put that knowledge to use, then. Franky climbed the stairs leading to the helm from lawn deck, trying to ignore how heavy his feet felt. Maybe it was just lack of sleep and cola, but it definitely felt as if the bursts of energy he’d felt last night had run out. Sure, it still felt better than before, doing something that might just be right. But the numbness that had retreated last night was more or less back in place now.
Stop thinking. Just do. Franky grabbed the helm. Let’s see, how was it now…?
He glanced at the clock beside him. You had to know pretty much what time of the day it was if you wanted to navigate by the sun, so last night, he’d taken most accurate clock available on the ship from its place in the observatory, nailing it right next to the helm. Assuming the clock was in decent shape and still kept good time, the ship hadn’t drifted too much off course yet. Wouldn’t surprise Franky if the girls and Brook hadn’t gone to bed until right before he woke up. (Sanji had turned in at the same time as Franky.)
Franky pushed at the helm and felt Sunny turn below him. Then he just stood there for a while, listening to the ropes creaking, the waves splashing.
They’d finally started talking, yesterday, everyone but Luffy – and that was good, it needed doing. But the trouble with starting to talk about stuff was that it made you think more, too – made it harder to block things out.
So what do you think you’re doing, Franky-boy? asked a sardonic voice in the back of his head. Why the hell do you think you’re all looking forward to this so much? What do you think you’ll expect to find on that island?
“Shut up,” muttered Franky under his breath. “Leave it. Don’t wanna hear it.”
Do you really think trying your best to break Strawhat down is doing him a favour?
Franky just shook his head, then abruptly turned around and marched down the steps. Stupid self-critical thoughts trying to trip you up. He’d had enough of them…
You do know what you’re really looking forward to, right? All of you. A place to get off the ship and safely go to pieces – yes, safely, despite enemies. To stop being so damn calm and reasonable.
Mechanically, he went up the steps to second deck towards the galley, trying hard not to listen, neither to the dry voice in his head nor to the sound-memories of clunky shoes coming up on the steps right behind him, of an eager, cheerful voice calling his name.
“Hey Franky, what are you doing? What’s this called? How’s it work? Hey, I got an idea for something we could make, wanna hear it? Look at this! Pretty good, huh? ‘Course it is, I made it! …Hey, Franky, you okay? Did you ever hear about the time when I…”
He clenched his fists hard enough for cybernetic nails to dig into the palm, looking around wildly around for something lying around loose that it would be okay to break, then fix later. But he couldn’t find anything. For so long now he'd had the persistent feeling that if he only turned around in exactly the right way, it wouldn’t be a memory any more, it would be real… he'd tried hard to push the feeling away, futile as it was; and yet he didn't really want it gone.
He stepped into the energy room and filled himself up with cola, but the physical sensation of nourishment and strength didn’t make any difference to his emotions. Already he missed the numbness. And that was a very unsuper way of thinking, he knew.
Or maybe that’s not it, either. Yeah, now that he considered it – the fact that they were all going back, spirits lifted up, faces a lot lighter…
He stopped, freezing on the spot where he was. It’s as if we think it won’t be real if we go back. As if Nami had been hallucinating. As if we could turn back time.
Franky felt as if he was drowning, head spinning, vertigo and nausea riding him in hot, powerful waves. He gasped for breath and had to grab the railing in order to steady himself, actually feeling close to fainting. No, no, no…
…no, no… yes.
***
Breakfast, Franky discovered after he managed to get a hold of himself, enter the galley and sit down, turned to be a rather subdued affair. Not surprisingly, Nami, Robin and Brook were all sleeping in. Everyone else ate fairly quietly, trying not to watch Luffy too closely.
As for Strawhat, he was eating just as quickly and messily as usual, but he wasn’t talking much either. Franky found himself only putting up token protests at Luffy’s usual stealing from his plates, and noticed much the same behaviour in the others. Yeah, they were all feeling guilty enough to be nicer to their captain, he was guessing.
Franky had learned that you couldn’t really guess anything of Strawhat’s mood from mealtimes. No matter how grim or sad a situation might be, Luffy practically always ate, and ate a lot, usually getting happy at the mere sight of food. True, there had been a handful of occasions when Luffy’s good mood had seemed to evaporate as soon as he ran out of food, but before that he’d consume his meal just as vigorously as he normally did.
And yet… well, possibly it might just be Franky’s super-vivid imagination, but it seemed to him as if there was a particular franticness to Luffy’s eating today. He seemed to be even more ravenous than usual. There was a blank look in his eyes and a sense of being hunted in his movements, as if something else other than just hunger was driving him. If he’d already asked about the new course of the ship or the absent, sleeping crew members, Franky hadn’t caught it and was unable to guess. Well, no news was good news, he supposed.
Somehow he did wind up feeling just a bit better at the end of breakfast. Maybe it was due to the truly super qualities of Eyebrow-Bro’s cooking, or just seeing most of his crewmates again – sure, they were all tense, but at least they were tense together. And while Luffy’s demeanour was a bit unnerving, it was still a bit of relief from the forced bubbliness they’d seen all too much of lately.
Ever so slowly, Franky felt just a bit of last night’s good mood return, though more cautious and reined in than before. He shoved his latest forebodings away. They weren’t delusional, they weren’t. It would get better. Yeah.
*
“Hey, Sanji, is Nami sick or something?”
Sanji took a deep breath – here it comes – and a deep puff on his cigarette before he turned around to meet Luffy’s eyes in what he hoped was a calm, casual fashion. “Nah,” he said. “She’s sleeping in today ‘cause she stayed up late last night. She wanted to try sailing the ship at night.”
Luffy screwed up his eyes. “Really? Wow, why didn’t you wake me? I woulda wanted to do that, too!”
Sanji gave him a lopsided smile, leaning himself towards the outside wall of the galley from its starboard side, where the two of them were standing. “Well, she might do it again tonight, if – if she felt like it.” Better not mention the need for starlight yet, since Luffy might ask why you couldn’t just follow the log pose. “You can always stay up and help if you want.”
“That’s great!” Luffy grinned. “I’m the best night-sailor around, after all, so you’d definitely need me! I’ve sailed at night sooo many times, I can do it with my eyes closed!”
Sanji twitched, his smile turning wooden. “Okay, good, then,” he managed to mumble, then inhaled too deeply and started coughing. Luffy looked relieved as he perched himself on the railing.
“But…” Luffy was frowning again, “if she’s not sick… maybe there’s something wrong with the log pose? Or – or, wait! Sanji, are there islands that can move around?”
Sanji raised his eyebrow. “Move around? Why?”
Luffy pointed up towards the sky. “The sky’s all weird, right? The sun’s in the wrong place! So we’ve turned around! …You know, if the island we’re going to is moving around, that would be pretty cool,” he added seriously.
“I’ve never heard of real islands that can move,” said Sanji. “Not on the Blue Sea,” he amended after a moment’s pause. Skypiea with its Upper Yard was different, drifting to and fro wherever the Whitewhite Sea took it. “Thriller Bark was really a very big ship, not an island. But on the Grand Line… who knows? Maybe there is one.” Well, that was misleading, but not actually lying.
“Oh. Okay.” Luffy looked like he wanted to say something more, but then just nodded and slid down from the railing, sitting down crosslegged. Sanji sat down on deck as well, where the sun had warmed the planks up quite nicely for hours. He leaned against the wall to the galley, lit up a new cigarette and started smoking it slowly, closing his eyes.
“I had a real weird dream last night,” Luffy said slowly. Sanji opened his eyes, surprised. That wasn’t the kind of remark Luffy would usually make.
“Yeah?” he said in a mildly curious tone. Luffy was frowning now, looking puzzled as he crossed his arms and looked down at the floor.
“Yep! A real weird and stupid one!” Then he looked up at Sanji, determined, “But I’m not going to run away from it again! Next time I dream something like that, I’ll just make it so it’s the right ship.” He nodded firmly, then uncrossed his arms again and lay himself down on his back on the deck.
“Uh… okay.” Sanji had nothing to add to that.
Luffy didn’t say anything else either. He looked up at the deep blue sky and the few small clouds drifting through it, a faraway look on his face. Slowly, he brought one hand up and moved it in small circles on his chest, his fingers rubbing gently, as if there was something there that chafed him.
After a few quiet minutes, Sanji found himself saying out of nowhere, “Hey, Luffy… do you remember…” – he noticed Luffy stiffening at that, ever so slightly, and quickly continued – “do you remember back at the shitty restaurant when you wanted me to join and at first I didn’t want to?”
This wasn’t something he’d planned on saying at all, but that old memory had just turned up in his head. It occurred to him that since the memory had nothing to do with Usopp maybe Luffy wouldn’t think to defend himself from it.
Luffy was quiet for a few moments, still staring up, then nodded. “Uh-huh! Yep, I remember that! You were being stupid!”
“Hey, I don’t need to hear that shit from you,” drawled Sanji in mock anger. “But,” he said more seriously again – and it felt just slightly odd, that he was able to talk so easily about this, which he normally never did – “do you remember why I said I didn’t want to, even though I kinda did? ‘Cause of, you know, being indebted to the shitty old man and all.” He blew out a bunch of smoke rings and glanced over at Luffy again. “Remember that?”
Luffy didn’t move his head to meet Sanji’s gaze, and he didn’t say anything either. He kept looking up into the sky, one arm holding the other; then nodded.
Sanji went on in a rather low voice, “And then during the battle, when I couldn’t fight ‘cause the shitty old man had a gun to his head and I couldn’t stop standing up, either – you were yelling to me that I wouldn’t repay any debt through dying. That he didn’t save me so I could go die – that doing that would be shitty of me, or something like that. Anyway… you know, I was thinking something. You could have just told me to forget about all that, you know.”
Luffy rolled over and sat up, frowning in puzzlement and maybe also reproach. “Huh? Why would I do that?”
“Only makes sense, doesn’t it?” Sanji tilted his head to one side in a would-be persuasive manner. “To forget what he did for me as if it never happened. Then I wouldn’t have had any reason to stay, either. I’d be able to go with you without even thinking about it.”
“Hey! That’s all wrong!” Luffy looked pretty worked up, now. “That restaurant guy lost his leg for you so you wouldn’t starve! You – you can’t forget that, Sanji! Not ever!!”
Sanji gave him a flat, level look. “But I might feel better, if I did. Hell, could be the shitty old man would even feel better if I did. Wouldn’t have had to look at me going about all moping and shit.”
“No, no, no! No way!” Luffy was smacking his palm into the deck loudly, shaking his head wildly to and fro. “That’s all wrong! If you do that, then, then it would be like if I forgot when Shanks lost his arm! And I don’t want to forget that! I can’t forget that, it would be – it would be all wrong if I did!”
Sanji waved one hand placatingly, “Look, calm down, okay? I was only – wait, what?” He dropped his cigarette, picked it up and stared back at Luffy, nearly matching Luffy’s intensity. “What was that – you mean Redhair Shanks? He lost an arm?”
Luffy nodded, hugging himself and sitting back slightly. “Uh-huh! When I was a kid and was drowning.” He drew in a breath. “There was a sea monster there that attacked me,” he said, more calmly. “But Shanks jumped in and saved me, and then it bit off his arm.”
“Shit – !” Sanji whispered. “You’re not kidding me?” Luffy shook his head, looking very serious. “So you’re saying – you’re saying Redhair Shanks, one of the four Emperors of the Sea, lost his arm to save you? Shit, no wonder you defended him against your grandpa!”
“Yeah,” said Luffy, a lot calmer now. “That’s when I decided I’d be King of the Pirates one day. And he left his hat to me when I told him so. So that I’d give it back to him one day after I’d made it happen.”
“Oh,” said Sanji quietly. “So that’s why you were so mad, back then at the restaurant.”
Luffy only nodded, then went on, “And that’s why I have to follow my dream no matter what. He - he didn’t lose his arm so I could just get stupid and stop!” He looked absolutely convinced of what he was saying, yet now he was trembling, too, as he kept staring at Sanji with wide eyes. His fingers were making small rubbing circles over his chest, again.
Sanji couldn’t stop staring. How the hell could it be that now Luffy suddenly seemed almost closer than ever, while at the same time he was still so goddamn distant? How did he do it? He wanted to reach out to him, but he didn’t know what he’d do, then. What he’d say. It didn’t seem safe. And Luffy might push him away.
Then Sanji started violently: “Wait a minute!” he exclaimed. “Redhair Shanks lost his arm when you were little? I didn’t know that! And then he went on to become one of the four Emperors? But then – then…” He all but shouted, “…Then what the hell did the old man think he was doing, giving up his dream like that? He could have sailed back into the Grand Line with just one leg, damnit!” Wait… this was a complete side-track, not something he should go on about right now… Except we’re all crippled now…
Luffy just shrugged, a good deal less intense than before. “I guess he didn’t want it bad enough. Maybe he liked the restaurant better.”
“Yeah, right,” muttered Sanji. “More like he didn’t want to bring a ten-year-old brat into the Grand Line and couldn’t find a way to get rid of him.” Of course, that must be it. He took a deep puff of his cigarette, his thoughts sorted out again. The old guilt felt better than fresh, confused anger. Getting side-tracked like that was stupid.
“Anyway,” said Luffy, “it’s not like you can just tell people to forget and they’ll do it! That’s just stupid, too!” But he gave up his serious look, grinning widely. “Unless they’re hypnotised or something, yeah!”
“I guess,” mumbled Sanji, hugging his knees. “You’d know, right? You keep falling for stuff like that…”
“Or maybe if some girl you liked told you to forget it, you would!” said Luffy, giving Sanji a bright look. “That’s like getting hypnotised for you! But I don’t think so, ‘cause Restaurant-guy is great! And his moustaches are really cool!”
Sanji gave him a quirky, helpless smile, at the same time wanting to ruffle his captain’s hair and kick him to the other end of the ship. Well… Luffy’s walls still held, as far as he could see. He doubted he’d even sown any seeds of doubt. But it had been worth a try.
“But… that weird girl with the paint…” said Luffy now, screwing up his face in thought and craning his neck waaaay to the side in the process. “She could do something like that, I bet.”
“Huh?”
“Back on that cool jungle island with the giants and dinosaurs! Geez, don’t you remember, Sanji?” He looked reproachful now. “She was with that Candle-Fruit Three guy with a three on his head! I met him in Impel Down later!”
“Oh… yeah.” Sanji finally leaned back again, looking up into the sky. “On Little Garden, you mean. I wasn’t in that fight, idiot. I’d been off hunting and didn’t know where you guys were… wound up talking to Crocodile on a Dendenmushi and finding an Eternal Pose instead.” He’d heard accounts of the battle later, but he couldn’t remember anything about some enemy girl hypnotist. Mostly he’d felt horror at the thought of Nami and Vivi nearly becoming wax statues (and Mosshead too, he supposed), relief that they were actually okay, and self-reproach at having been absent.
“Oh… oh, yeah! Right! It was just me and Karoo against all of them! Man, that wasn’t easy! And that girl had weird powers, she could use paint to make you stop saving people or to make you have a picnic and stuff!”
“Just you and Karoo, right?” mumbled Sanji, feeling that now-familiar sickness again. He knew that wasn’t true, at least. That part, he’d heard a lot about afterwards. Confirmed by reliable witnesses, too.
“Yeah… Uh huh…” Luffy looked off to one side, drumming his fingers on the deck. The faraway look in his eyes from before was back.
Sanji swallowed, but made his face expressionless, his voice level and calm when he next spoke, barely glancing at Luffy. “How did you win that one, anyway?”
“Oh, I set the whole waxy candle thing on fire! With help from Karoo, ‘cause he put rope all over the place and then I lit it. It was my… my special rope…” Luffy slowed down, looking uncertain as he spoke, “…’cause I’d put oil on it, from…”
“From what?” Sanji’s voice was deliberately casual, hardly curious at all.
“From my bag, of course… Hey! Sanji!” Luffy looked urgent, all of a sudden. “Where’s my bag?”
“Your… what.” Sanji felt his face go pale, his body turning entirely still, momentarily forgetting to breathe. “Bag. What?” he managed to get out.
“Yeah, you know! This big” – Luffy gestured with his hand – “and it’s light brown, with a strap and stuff, and it’s got all these neat things in it, like… like oil, and ammunition, and all – all kinds of cool things…”
Sanji breathed in deeply, then slowly let the air out. This was good, he tried to tell himself. It was coming back. That had to be what it meant, right? It didn’t feel good, but…
“But…” he said very gently, “you fight with your hands and feet, Luffy. What do you want ammunition for?”
“Uh…” Luffy looked really confused now, staring at Sanji, then turned to look around him where they were sitting. “But… but it’s neat, and… it’s my bag!” he insisted, looking at Sanji pleadingly. “I know had one!”
Sanji sighed, giving up. “Okay, okay,” he said. “I know the one you mean. Sorry, Luffy. We lost it back on that last island.”
“We did? Oh. I didn’t know that.” Luffy blinked, then abruptly stood up, frowning again. “Oh. That’s no good,” he mumbled. Sanji held his breath. In a second Luffy might so very easily follow this up with something like “We can’t go back there”, meaning they were officially mutinying.
But Luffy didn’t say that. Instead, he just pushed his hat further down and slowly started to wander away, looking more puzzled than anything else.
A reprieve again, then. Sanji stubbed out his cigarette and threw it into the water, then got up and went back to the galley. The door to the girls’ cabin had moved a bit, just now, and he wanted to have their late breakfast ready and waiting.
Not long ago, he wouldn’t even have considered troubling Nami-baby and Robin-honey with something like an account of this conversation. But it was all different now – all broken, his inner voice said, all smashed up and falling apart – and if they were ever to get out of this desolate wilderness, they had to talk to each other. Keeping heavy secrets wasn’t going to cut it any more.
He also knew they were strong enough, even as he couldn't help always wanting to shield and protect them anyway. They’d probably just worry more, if he didn’t tell them. At least, Nami-baby would…
Besides, their intelligence and insight were sorely needed. And hopefully they might not hold it too much against him, if he were weak enough to lean on their support, for just an instant.
*
EDIT as of 3rd July, 2010: I've just discovered an error in this chapter in the scene between Luffy and Sanji. When re-reading One Piece volume 52, I noticed that in chapter 504, Silvers Rayleigh mentions that Shanks lost an arm 10 years ago and that it had something to do with Luffy. Sanji was present and would have heard that, and he doesn't seem the type to just forget intriguing facts like that, normally. So it’s not very logical that he’s so surprised here.
I was considering inserting a mental remark of Sanji's, something to the effect of, "Now that he thought about it, hadn't Silvers Rayleigh hinted at something like that, back when they first met him? Somehow, Sanji had managed to utterly forget about it until now - well, it was true they'd all been busy with other matters shortly thereafter..."
But in the end, I felt it would be a bit too blatantly obvious. So I’ll just cop to having goofed and hope for my readers' forebearance. Maybe we could say that Sanji really was less attentive or more forgetful than usual that day…? ;)
edit: The story continues in Chapter Six.
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Date: 2009-05-27 03:46 pm (UTC)...I don't know what else to say but your appreciation is quite overwhelming but very encouraging! Which I might need, considering chapter 6 feels rather tricky...