Yet another angsty Water 7 shortfic

[rainsometimes]

I’ve long tried to write something about the Luffy-Usopp fight in Water 7 from Luffy’s point of view and have found it rather hard to do. If Luffy’s thought processes can be tricky enough at normal times, they are even more so when it comes to this – I really don’t find it easy to guess at his state of mind back then. Moreover, it feels extra important to get right.

I’m still not too sure how close I’ve gotten this time, but I’ve decided to post it even so. At least I think it’s better than my earlier draft attempts. Constructive criticism on this would be VERY welcome, believe you me.


Title: Carry That Weight
Word Count: 459
Spoilers/setting: After chapter 333 through the first pages of chapter 334 (stopping right before Nami bursts out the news about the assassin attempt on Iceburg)
Flavour: Luffy angst of the Usoppian variety. (Sorry!)
Rating: G, worksafe.




He wasn’t going to think about it anymore. What was the use? It was over now. It couldn’t be undone. He couldn’t go back in time and make sure the money wasn’t lost or Usopp wasn’t beat up or Merry wasn’t wrecked or…he didn’t even know what, didn’t know what he could have said or done to make it end differently. But in any case he couldn’t change things now, just like he was never able to make the sea monster spit out Shanks’ arm and sew it back on.

He’d failed that time but he’d only been a little kid then. He wasn’t supposed to fail now, not when it came to things like this. Now he had to shape up and be stronger, just like Zoro had said. He had to protect everyone he had left. They had to find Robin soon.

There was no use in thinking about it. Those images didn’t do any good in his head, they should just go away. But why had Usopp looked almost like he’d wanted to get hurt? That was just crazy…unless it was really clever, because maybe that was what struck the hardest… No! Stop that! It was too late. He’d been so terribly angry but it was over now. You couldn’t sew the arm back on.

He was never going to fail like that again. Ever. It hurt too much to be so angry. If he couldn’t keep his comrades then what was the use of becoming Pirate King?

‘…you’re just trying to get rid of your useless crewmates one after the other, aren’t you?!’

Shut up, shut up, shut up. Luffy shook his head several times, staring out at what he could see of Water 7 from where he sat on the small roof by the hotel. There seemed to be more houses visible now than a while ago. Oh. He supposed that meant dawn was coming.

When he didn’t want to think about something then he didn’t. Except sometimes in dreams or nightmares or in some quiet moment maybe, but that didn’t happen much at all. And even then it was never for long. There’d always be something new interesting happening after all - new dreams around the corner.
It wasn’t like this.

The morning sun rose from behind a high building and shone right in his eye, but he didn’t look away. Just wait, everyone. He hugged his knees. From now on, he was going to become the best captain ever. Better than Shanks, even! I’ll take care of all of them so they’ll know it won’t matter if they’re strong or not What was important was that they wanted to stay with him. If they didn't then there was no use in anything, was there?

Well. They just had to find Robin soon, that was all. And they would. He was tired of worrying already: he wasn’t any good at it anyway since he didn’t have much practice. Stupid Robin.

He pulled the brim of his hat further down, letting his gazewander across the rooftops again, wondering if somewhere out there there might be an enemy for him to beat.


Edit: Changed the title.
Edit 2: Rewrote some of it.

Comments

[scribe-protra.livejournal.com]

Typo: He’d been so terribly angry but it was over now. You couldn’t see the arm back on.


Awww. Poor Luffy.

You seems to have Luffy voice down fine to me.

[serrende.livejournal.com]

You couldn’t see the arm back on.

Great, thanks! (corrects)

You seems to have Luffy voice down fine to me.

Do you think the "He was going to be the best captain ever" is in character? I kinda feel that the sentiment is (probably?) but I'm not sure if he'd express it like that to himself. That's often the trouble with writing people's thoughts, I think...

[scribe-protra.livejournal.com]

Do you think the "He was going to be the best captain ever" is in character?

I thought it was yes.

[hsiuism.livejournal.com]

Yay, it's so nice to someone take this scene on in fic form! Overall I thought it was really good, and I liked the reference back to Shank's arm - very original :D The urgency of finding Robin was also a good insight, since she definitely becomes symbolic of how the crew falls apart or stands together. Even though it's a bit of a cliché, I kinda want to say "show, don't tell". There are some lines that feel like conclusions, if you know what I mean.

Like this line: But why had it seemed like Usopp had suddenly wanted to be hurt? Just because he knew that was the best way to hurt Luffy back?

That's a great point, but the reader doesn't know how Luffy got to that statement, and to me this would be a perfect moment to retrace Luffy's POV. And I think the tricky thing about 3rd-person POV shots like this is avoiding strings of final statements, like "He thought this; he was this". You captured really nicely the jumpy logic Luffy displays sometimes (with being angry, fear of losing comrades, and Shanks's arm, again) - pushing those moments of ambiguity rather than resolving them within two or three lines might get you closer to Luffy's 'voice', imo. (of course, a lot of this is personal preference, since I'm a sucker for ambiguity and unresolved endings).

Sorry for rambling; I'm not sure if any of this helped or if it was what you were looking for ;_;

[serrende.livejournal.com]

No, this was exactly the type of comments I was hoping for, thanks a lot!! (And why the sad-face?)

Like this line: But why had it seemed like Usopp had suddenly wanted to be hurt? Just because he knew that was the best way to hurt Luffy back?

That's a great point, but the reader doesn't know how Luffy got to that statement, and to me this would be a perfect moment to retrace Luffy's POV.

I don't even know how I got to that statement; it sort of just jumped down, I guess. I thought it might>/i> be in Luffy's nature to just instinctively think of that kind of thing without not really knowing how: but at the same time, that's part of what I was worried about might either come out as OOC. Or, as you note, too much of a conclusion. Which I would agree with you about: I tend to prefer ambiguities as well. Do you think it might work better if I took out those two lines entirely? Or took out/changed the second sentence only?

In general I think "show, don't tell" is a good kind of rule to keep in your head, though one shouldn't get too dogmatic about it: some things may need to be "told". (In a way, of coruse, since prose is completely non-visual the whole bleeding thing is "tell". ;))

[serrende.livejournal.com]

Aah, I'm sorry about the lousy way my comment turned out because I forgot to undo the italics. *^_^* That's what happens when your time is up at the library computer and you have no time to preview...

Sorry to be so insistent, but can I ask you if, besides the two lines you quoted, there were any else you thought too close to conclusions? As I said, I do agree with you that ambiguity is to be preferred, but...sometimes you do make "final statements" to yourself when you're thinking, don't you? Even if they're then contradicted by later thoughts...Which of course might be the trouble with putting them in a short fic where there's no space for those later thoughts. Hmm. yeah, I'd like to avoid that.

Personally I'm still not too sure about that "best captain ever" thing. Maybe it's too braggy for Luffy: maybe I should change it to "a really good captain" instead. Though that sounds weaker.

I'm very glad you felt the reference to Shanks' arm worked. It is the only other time I can think of in Luffy's past that might - might - have made him resort to the kind of woulda-shoulda-coulda thinking that ordinary non-Luffy mortals are prone to. ;)

sorry for the late reply!

[hsiuism.livejournal.com]

Agreed on the "final statements", and I'd suggest expanding on the ideas of the sentences rather than taking them out or changing the sentences themselves - though I certainly see why you'd want to keep the wordage down, if you're aiming for a shortfic. As for other sentences, those two were the ones that jumped out at me, and I think I have a bad habit of 'dictating' what I think should be in other people's fics, so... but usually I find when I revise one part it leads to revisions in other places as well.

Personally, I liked the "best captain ever" line XD I mean, Luffy's already told everyone he's going to be the Pirate King...can't get much braggier than that!

Re: sorry for the late reply!

[serrende.livejournal.com]

For this one I'm not so much trying to keep the wordage down as a goal in itself - I'd just stop calling it a shortfic if it got too long for that. (Though I think anything under 1000 words coould be seen as short.) No, it's more that beyond what I'm written I'm honestly not sure what Luffy would think to himself (everything in the fic except the physical descriptions are things I figure would be in Luffy's internal monologue, pretty much). Or I feel I'm just making things too montonous or making Luffy sound too whiny or, heaven forbid, too self-aware.

True, but he's not braggy about other things, usually...but oh well. Long as it works.